(sampling wine at he and Grace's date) It's perfect. She'll love it.

(sarcastically) Yes, let's thank God, for his blessings are raining down upon me. WAIT! THAT'S NOT RAIN!

Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →

Computer: Yahweh! You've got prayers.

Jack: You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.

Ally: They want you close to the falls.
Bruce: Really? I'm gonna get soaked.
Ally: That's the point.

Bruce: (commenting about his actions) I was such an idiot.
Grace: It's okay.

Bruce: (driving the car) If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. (sound of glass shatters) HOLY HELL! (pull over)
Bruce [as Clint Eastwood]: (car's mirror reflection starts speaking) Be careful what you wish for, punk. (gets out of car) No way, uh-uh, I am a reasonable, sane human being... (changes back into Clint Eastwood) with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... (yells and changes back into Bruce) I'm not Clint Eastwood. (shuts eyes) I'm Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No- (attempts to throw gun away and pulls out his Eyewitness News microphone)-lan!

Bruce: And the cookie is... ten feet, four inches! We have a new record! Cue the cheesy inspirational music! [theme from Chariots of Fire plays]
Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

Bruce: Bedroom?
Grace: Five minutes.

Bruce: I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez! (hello, juan valdez!)
Juan Valdez: Buenos días.' (good morning!)
Bruce: ¡Buenos días! (good morning!)
Juan Valdez: Disfrute un buen caf?. (enjoy a good coffee.)
Bruce: Gracias, señor. (thank you, sir.)
Juan Valdez: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

Bruce: Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?
Day Care Kid: Hey, you said 'ass.'
Bruce: Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey.

Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor
Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
Technician: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
Jack: Oh boy.
Grace: Oh, my God.

Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?
...
Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

Bruce: Where ya goin'?
God: I'm... taking a vacation.
Bruce: Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?
God: Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.