Multiple Characters quotes

Jack: You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.

Computer: Yahweh! You've got prayers.

Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?
...
Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

Bruce: And the cookie is... ten feet, four inches! We have a new record! Cue the cheesy inspirational music! [theme from Chariots of Fire plays]
Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

Bruce: Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
Grace: How'd you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.
Bruce: You look perky, hon. It must've been cold.
Grace: All right, fine! Do with it what you will, I don't care!
Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy!

Ally: They want you close to the falls.
Bruce: Really? I'm gonna get soaked.
Ally: That's the point.

Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor
Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
Technician: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, ****ers!
Jack: Oh boy.
Grace: Oh, my God.

Grace: Will you stop being such a martyr?
Bruce: I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!

God: 'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!

God: In a way, I'm here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.
Bruce: Whatever you say, pal.

Bruce: (driving the car) If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. (sound of glass shatters) HOLY HELL! (pull over)
Bruce [as Clint Eastwood]: (car's mirror reflection starts speaking) Be careful what you wish for, punk. (gets out of car) No way, uh-uh, I am a reasonable, sane human being... (changes back into Clint Eastwood) with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... (yells and changes back into Bruce) I'm not Clint Eastwood. (shuts eyes) I'm Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No- (attempts to throw gun away and pulls out his Eyewitness News microphone)-lan!

God: (commenting on why he gave Bruce seven fingers) I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.
Bruce: Holy sh... cow.

Bruce: Where ya goin'?
God: I'm... taking a vacation.
Bruce: Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?
God: Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.

Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your sorry. How about that?
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's... today.
[A monkey comes out of lead Thug's butt] Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
Thug #2: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!
Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them]
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

Grace: Those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... todaisies.

Bruce: Bedroom?
Grace: Five minutes.

Grace: I'll be out in a minute.
Bruce: Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure...!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!

News Reporter: In international news, Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City. Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity. More on this as it develops.

Evan: (in high-pitched voice) A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor demanded that... When the mayor demanded that the chief... When the mayor demanded that the chief... As a response to allegations... I'm sorry. I seem to have something stuck in my...
Director: Somebody get him some water, please.
Susan: Looks like my new co-anchor might need a glass of water. (Evan laughs in high-pitched voice)

Evan: (spouts angry gibberish) Doo-doo ca-ca poo-poo! (more angry gibberish) PEE-PEE! (laughs embarrased)

Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "tactical" difficulties...

God: It's really something, isn't it?
Bruce: Is this Heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
Bruce: (incredulous) I'm DEAD?!
God: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. (laughs)

Bruce: I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez! (hello, juan valdez!)
Juan Valdez: Buenos días.' (good morning!)
Bruce: ¡Buenos días! (good morning!)
Juan Valdez: Disfrute un buen caf?. (enjoy a good coffee.)
Bruce: Gracias, señor. (thank you, sir.)
Juan Valdez: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

Bruce: Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?
Day Care Kid: Hey, you said 'ass.'
Bruce: Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey.

God: It's good.
Bruce: It's good.
Both: s'goood!

Bruce: (commenting about his actions) I was such an idiot.
Grace: It's okay.

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