Bruce: Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
Grace: How'd you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.
Bruce: You look perky, hon. It must've been cold.
Grace: All right, fine! Do with it what you will, I don't care!
Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy!

Evan: (in high-pitched voice) A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor demanded that... When the mayor demanded that the chief... When the mayor demanded that the chief... As a response to allegations... I'm sorry. I seem to have something stuck in my...
Director: Somebody get him some water, please.
Susan: Looks like my new co-anchor might need a glass of water. (Evan laughs in high-pitched voice)

Evan: (spouts angry gibberish) Doo-doo ca-ca poo-poo! (more angry gibberish) PEE-PEE! (laughs embarrased)

Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "tactical" difficulties...

God: 'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!

God: (commenting on why he gave Bruce seven fingers) I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.
Bruce: Holy sh... cow.

God: In a way, I'm here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.
Bruce: Whatever you say, pal.

God: It's good.
Bruce: It's good.
Both: s'goood!

God: It's really something, isn't it?
Bruce: Is this Heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
Bruce: (incredulous) I'm DEAD?!
God: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. (laughs)

Grace: I'll be out in a minute.
Bruce: Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure...!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!

Grace: Those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... todaisies.

Grace: Will you stop being such a martyr?
Bruce: I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!

Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your sorry. How about that?
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's... today.
[A monkey comes out of lead Thug's butt] Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
Thug #2: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!
Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them]
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

News Reporter: In international news, Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City. Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity. More on this as it develops.

[A disguised God has been showing Bruce signs all day; his latest one reads "LIFE IS JUST"] Just? Just get a clue!