Bridget Jones's Diary quotes

View Quote Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget: Ah, introduce people with thoughtful details. Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark's a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel-raced ex-wife. Perpetua's a fart-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around... Maybe not.
Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget: Ah, Perpetua. This is Mark Darcy. Mark's a top barrister. He comes from Grafton Underwood. Perpetua's one of my work colleagues.
Perpetua: Oh, Mark, I know you by reputation of course.
Mark: (Natasha arrives) Ah, Natasha. This is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha. Natasha is a top attorney and specializes in family law. Bridget is in advertising and used to play naked in my paddling pool.

View Quote At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible... and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable. I have two choices: to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventualy be eaten by alsatians... or not, and this time i choose not. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect! Instead, i choose vodka. And Chaka Khan.

View Quote Daniel: If walking past my office was attempt to demonstrate presence of skirt, can only say that it has failed parlously-- Cleave.
Bridget: Shut up, please. I am very busy and important. P.S. How dare you sexually harass me in this impertinent manner?
Daniel: Message Jones. Mortified to have caused offense. Will avoid all non-P.C. overtones in future. Deeply apologetic. P.S. Like your tits in that top.

View Quote And that was it. Right there. That was the moment. I suddenly realised that unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine... and I'd finally die, fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatians. Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

View Quote Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Equally important, will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional ****wits or perverts. And especially will not fantasise about a particular person who embodies all these things... Unfortunately he just happens to be my boss, editor in chief Daniel Cleaver, and for various slightly unfair reasons relating to this year's Christmas party I suspect he does not fantasize about me.

View Quote Bridget: [as Una Alconberry] No Pam. And besides I'm busy, gravy needs seiving.
Mark: [as Pamela Jones] Surely not, just stir it Una.

View Quote Boss: So, why do you want to work in television?
Bridget: I've got to leave my current job because I've shagged my boss.
Boss: Fair enough. Start Monday. We'll see how we go. And, incidentally, at 'Sit Up, Britain', no one ever gets sacked for shaggin' the boss.

View Quote (Answering phone) Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Mum, hi.

View Quote My mum, a strange creature from the time when a gherkin was still the height of sophistication.

View Quote Major dilemma. If actually do, by some terrible chance, end up in flagrante surely these would be most attractive at crucial moment. (holds up thong) However, chances of reaching crucial moment greatly increased by wearing these scary stomach-holding-in pants very popular with grannies the world over.

View Quote It all began on New Years day, in my 32nd year of being single. Once again I found myself on my own and going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet. Every year she tries to fix me up with some bushy-haired, middle-aged bore and I feared this year would be no exception.

View Quote Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and dresses like her mother. ~Mark

View Quote Mother: The Darcy's Ruby Wedding of course. "What for?" Indeed! Mark will be there. Still divorced *taps nose*
Bridget: He's also... still deranged. *taps nose*

View Quote Don't be silly, Bridget. You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz. ~Mother

View Quote Mother: Come on. Why don't we see if Mark wants a gherkin.
Bridget: Maybe this was the mysterious Mr. Right I'd been waiting my whole life to meet. (Sees his reindeer jumper) Maybe not.
Mother: Mark! You remember Bridget. She used to run around your lawn with no clothes on, remember?