Alexei: The Russian Grim Reaper is here.

Capt. Howard: 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?

Capt. Howard: I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up, 'Good morning, Marcus. Good morning, Mike. How you doin'? Ai'ight. So how we going to fuck up the captain's life today? Gee, I don't know. I don't know. Ooh, look. Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?'

Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth. I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.

DEA Snell: We don't know you, but you look like you're about to do something stupid. I'm in.

Floyd Poteet: [Repeated Line] I've got my rights.

Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE?
Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking?
Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
''Marcus Burnett''; You gotta call yo self the devil in his house?...shit

Capt. Howard: You guys are like a couple of blood sucking ticks, draining the life's blood out of this department... Woosaa!
Marcus Burnett: Damn the woosaa captain, did you just call me a tick?
Capt. Howard: [motioning to Mike] I was referring to him.

Casper: Your partner's a cocky nigger!
Marcus Burnett: Oh damn, now was that necessary, sir? Can't he just be a cop? He got to be a nigga too?

Marcus Burnett: [about Mike] Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man.
Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass?
Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you.
Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I'm not saying I didn't shoot you. I did a lot of shooting. But I ain't saying I shot you in the ass...
[looks]
Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass!
Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.

Marcus Burnett: [driving with Mike down a hill, through cocaine-processing shacks, in a stolen Humvee] Is this still plan B?
Mike Lowery: Naw, this is definitely plan C!

Marcus Burnett: [During a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk.
Mike Lowery: You want to talk? All right, go ahead, go ahead.
Marcus Burnett: We're not immigration!
Mike Lowery: [More gunfire] They can't hear you 'coz they still shootin' at you.

Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats.
Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called umm...
Marcus Burnett: Big motherfuckers.

Marcus Burnett: Look, Mike. Calm down!
Mike Lowery: Calm down? I'm calm. I'm calm. Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving.

Marcus Burnett: Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
Mike Lowrey: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job?
Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!