Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery quotes

81 total quotes (ID: 50)

Austin Powers
Doctor Evil
Multiple Characters


Computer voice: Evacuation com--
[Austin continues to urinate; stops]
Computer voice: Evacuation com--
[Austin continues urinating; stops again]
Computer voice: Evacuation com--
[Austin continues; then stops]
Computer voice: Com--
[Tinkle]
Computer voice: Com--
[Tinkle]
Computer voice: Com--
[Tinkle]
Computer voice: Com--
[Tinkle]
Computer voice: Com--
[Tinkle; slight pause]
Computer voice: Evacuation com--
[Austin continues urination; Basil looks on bewildered]


Cowboy: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.
Cowboy: Oh... sorry.

Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
[Guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: Close the tank!
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa complications arose in the unfreezing process.
Mustafa: My design was perfect.
Dr. Evil: Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth is completely bald]
Mustafa: But Dr. Evil we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process-
Dr. Evil: Silence! [Presses a button and Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into a pit of fire] Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. [Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent] Gentlemen, lets get down to business. [Mustafa's moans continue] We've got a lot of work to do.
Mustafa: Someone help me. I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.
Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
Mustafa: Hello out there. Anyone. Can someone call an ambulance, I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Dr. Evil: Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet [Mustafa starts again] - excuse me. [Dr. Evil picks up a phone and talks to a henchmen on the other line] Yes, he's down there.
Henchman: [almost inaudible] Is he dead yet?
Dr. Evil: No, not dead. Burnt, badly.
Henchman: Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?
Dr. Evil: Yes.
Henchman: Kill him?
Dr. Evil: Right. [hangs up the phone]
Mustafa: If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here I could get out. See I designed this device myself [a hatch is heard opening] - Oh, hi, good. I'm glad you found me, listen I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- [a gunshot fires] You shot me!
Dr. Evil: Okay, moving on-
Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm! Why would you- [another gunshot fires, all is silent for a moment, then the hatch is heard closing]
Dr. Evil: Right.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan [Dr. Evil gives Mr. Bigglesworth to Random Task. Random Task accidentally grabs Dr. Evils arm as well, rolling him off screen. Dr. Evil rolls himself back on screen] ...it's called blackmail. As you know the Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce.
Number 2: (clears his throat) Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil: Right, okay people you have to tell me these things, all right. I've been frozen for 30 years okay. Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss, need the info.

Dr. Evil: Ok, no problem. here's my second plan. Back in the 60s, I developed a weather changing machine, which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a (uses air quotes) LASER. Using these LASERs, we punch a hole in the protective hole around the world, which we call the (further air qoutes) Ozone Layer. Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless the world pays us a hefty ranson... (puts pinky to mouth smugly)
Number 2: (clears throat) That also...already...has happened.
Dr. Evil: Shit. (beat of silence) Oh hell, let's just do what we always do, hi-jack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good.

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott: What, are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: No Scott, I have a better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Scott: Why don't you kill him now? I mean, come on, we can shoot 'em together it'll be fun. Bang!
Dr. Evil: One more word out of you and you are grounded Mr., and I am not joking!

Dr. Evil: Scotty, Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?
Scott: Blow me...
Dr. Evil: What did you say?
Scott: Show me.

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for.? Honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea bass.
Dr. Evil: [Unconvinced] ... Riiiight.
Number Two: They are mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Really? Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
[Scott enters]
Dr. Evil: Hello Scott.
Scott Evil: Hi.
Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.
Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?
Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?
Scott Evil: No.
Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.
Scott Evil: No way.
Dr. Evil: Come here.
Scott Evil: I'm not coming over there.
Dr. Evil: Let's go.
Scott Evil: Forget it.
Dr. Evil: Pronto.
Scott Evil: What are you doing?
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Tak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak-a [Dr. Evil dances the Macarena] Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein, give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.

Number Two: My name is Number Two and this is Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!

Patty O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms. [Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh] What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They ARE after me lucky charms! What??
Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"

Quartermaster Clerk: [Returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him] One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Austin Powers: [To Vanessa, frantically] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: [Beginning to get annoyed over the monotony] One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One BOOK, "Swedish-made penis Enlarger Pumps And Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby)", by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: [Gaping] Aaah.
Quartermaster Clerk: Just sign the form.

Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Oh Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.

Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.