Jim's Dad: [to parents of girl they caught in bed with Jim] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady, I... didn't get your daughter's name, but I hope my son did.

Stifler: Holy shit dude, I found a dildo! [Stifler runs round the house] Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber dicks for everyone! The people demand rubber dicks!
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts!
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.
[later]
[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]
Jim: Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold!

Oh, yeah! The Stif-meister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls, bye-bye Great Falls, wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

[Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony] Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

[When walking past a girl in a short skirt before a lecture]] Ooh! There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!

Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

[answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.

Where are the fucking females?

Oh God, I kissed Jim.

[after Finch describes watering a ficus as a "pure tantric moment"] Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.

Finch, fist yourself!

I kind of super-glued myself to, uh, myself.

That's a lot of flutes.