Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

29 total quotes (ID: 633)

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty


Danny: Has he just been busted?
Marwood: No.
Danny: Then why's he wearing that old suit?
Withnail: Old suit! This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your ****ing appendix doesn't mean anything.
Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.


[They pass some schoolgirls.]
Withnail: Scrubbers!
Scrubbers: Up yours, granddad!
Withnail: Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
Marwood: Shut up.
Withnail: Little tarts. They love it.

Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed
Marwood: Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.
Withnail: Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a ****ing jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.

[Withnail is speeding down the motorway. Marwood in the back-seat wakes up.]
Marwood: What's going on?
Withnail: I'm making time.
Marwood: Are you out of your mind? You haven't got a license.
Withnail: No, I'm making time.

[gets pulled over by the police]
Cop: I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Cop: Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail: I, most certainly, am.
Cop: I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail: Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop: [pulls him to the police van] C'mon!
Withnail: Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.
Cop 2: GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when he awakens and quite reasonably says to himself: [He puts his hand on his heart] "I will never play The Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butchers' shops.

Sherry!? Oh no, no, no, no. I'll fall straight into his trap. He's so mauve. We don't know what he's planning. I'm preparing myself to forgive you. I think you've been punished enough. I think we better release you from the legumes and transfer your talents to the meat.

Withnail: You mean we've come out here in the middle of ****ing nowhere without aspirins?
Marwood: Where are we?
Withnail: How should I know where we are? I feel like a pig shat in my head.

Old woman: What do you want?
Marwood: I'm a friend of Montague Withnail. He's lent us his cottage. I wondered if you could sell us some food. Eggs and things.
[she stares at him with a blank expression]
Marwood: What about wood and coal?
[he spots her hearing aid]
Marwood: [bends closer to her] I'm not from London, you know.
Old woman: I don't care where you come from!
[She slams the door. He walks away.]
Marwood: [To himself] Not the attitude I'd been given to expect from the H. E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be out the back drinking cider and discussing butter. Clearly a myth. Evidently country people are no more receptive to strangers than city dwellers.

Marwood: You never discuss your family, do you?
Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.
Marwood: Why?
Withnail: I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.
Marwood: Then they must be delighted with your career.

[Marwood is face to face with a bull after leaving the gate open]
Withnail: Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.
Farmer Parkin: Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!
Marwood: Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
Farmer Parkin: Well, he's randy!
Marwood: Yes, yeah! I know he is!
Withnail: Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
Marwood: Shut up, Withnail!
Farmer Parkin: Run at it, shouting!
Withnail: Do as he says, start shouting.
[Withnail lights a cigarette]
Withnail: He won't gore you.
Marwood: A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!

Withnail: Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.
Marwood: There's black pudding in it.
Withnail: Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!

Marwood: There's the supper!
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it!? ****er's alive.

[Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
Withnail: You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Marwood: Coffee.
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?