Withnail and I quotes

View Quote I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain je ne sais quoi oh so very special about a firm young carrot.

View Quote How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs. Come on, lads, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.

View Quote I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!

View Quote Withnail: Are you the farmer? [To Marwood] Shut up, I'll deal with this. [To Parkin] We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that, Withnail. Of course he's the ****ing farmer.

View Quote I often wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. A cat, rain, Vim under the sink, and both bars on. But old now, there is no true beauty without decay.

View Quote Danny: I happened to be looking for a suit for the coal man two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you, the coal man had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow, had the weight under his fez. We worked out that it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the coal man. Went into court wearing a kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan but they can't handle the bell. So there's this judge sitting there sitting in a cape like ****ing Batman with this really rather far out looking hat..
Withnail: A wig.
Danny: No man, this was more like a long white hat. So he looks at the coal man and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress" and the coal man looks at him and says "You think you look normal, your honour?". **** give him two years.

View Quote Monty: Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux! Ah, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford.Oh, Oxford.
Marwood: [Voice-over] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.

View Quote Withnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!
Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.
Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."

View Quote Withnail: You've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good-looking. I tell you, I've a **** sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?
Marwood: Well, I don't know. It'll happen.
Withnail: Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the ****ing news.

View Quote Marwood: You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?
Withnail: How should I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?
Marwood: Get out of it for a while. Get into the countryside. Rejuvenate.
Withnail: Rejuvenate! What good's the countryside? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead.

View Quote Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: What happened to my cigar commercial? That's what I want to know. What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.

View Quote Marwood: I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
Withnail: Why not?
Marwood: Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. That's worse than meths.
Withnail: Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

View Quote Marwood: If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.

View Quote Marwood: What about what's-his-name?
Withnail: What about him?
Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: All right. What's his number?
Marwood: I've no idea - I've never met him.
Withnail: Well, neither have I. What the **** are you talking about?

View Quote Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself.
Withnail: Really.
Danny: Then you've got to change its drawers for it. Horrible really, but they're like that, the little girls. So we're going to make one that shits itself, as well.