Wedding Crashers quotes

View Quote Jeremy: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John, I'm fried.
John: Soft mattress?
Jeremy: Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John: Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
Jeremy: I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.

View Quote Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "Ahhh! I'm hang-gliding, honey; take a good picture, I'm dead." What a freak!

View Quote John: Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or ****ing human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy: I mean like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

View Quote Jeremy: I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.
John: What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 5, you're an idiot.
Jeremy: You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an asshole.

View Quote Jeremy: The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria: What?
Jeremy: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.
Gloria: We are?

View Quote Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!

View Quote Jeremy: I don't give a baker's ****! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!
John: Whoa, what?
Jeremy: Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!
John: Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
Jeremy: I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.

View Quote Rule #76 - No excuses. Play like a champion.

View Quote John: Fondue set.
Claire: Excuse me?
John: The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. (puts out hand to shake)
Claire: Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
John: Well, I'm a psychic.
Claire: You're psychic?
John: I am.
Claire: Really?
John: Yes.
Claire: What's that one.
John: Knife set. German, very nice.
Claire: Hmm..and that?
John: Cotton linens, Egyptian.
Claire: Ooooh, what about that?
John: Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candle sticks, crystal stemware, which they'll probably never use 'cause it's crystal stemware.
Claire: Okay, how about that?
John: This, uh, massage oils and a book on tantra probably from a wacky aunt.
Claire: Let's check.
John: Who's it from?
Claire: Aunt Milly.
John: Yes!
Claire: Well, you--you have a gift.
John: I know, unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Claire: Well, you know if the police are missing a Belgium waffle maker, you could, um, give them a hand.

View Quote Todd: I want my painting back.
Jeremy: Your painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

View Quote Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanore, big dike. Huge dike. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.

View Quote I made you a painting, I call the painting "Celebration". It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.

View Quote Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

View Quote Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!

View Quote Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own