Wedding Crashers quotes

View Quote Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!

View Quote What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there.

View Quote Jay-Bone!

View Quote Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!

View Quote Jeremy: I don't give a baker's ****! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!
John: Whoa, what?
Jeremy: Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!
John: Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
Jeremy: I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.

View Quote Jeremy: Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's kind of an interesting combination.
Sack: I hunt quail, Jeremy! They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grub worm population. You got a ****ing problem with that?!
Jeremy: Not nearly as much as I do with the, uh, attire you have on or just you general point of view toward everybody, but let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

View Quote Jeremy: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. What were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a bitch! You old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John: What is wrong with you?
Jeremy: What do you mean "what's wrong with--?" What's wrong with you?
John: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy: No, what's wrong with you?! You're projecting!
John: Drop it.
Jeremy: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John: Drop it!
Jeremy: Team player!

View Quote Jeremy: Sorry, just--just a sampler (grabbing food). Told you this would be classy, right?
John: Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. I'm not blind.
Jeremy: Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here, it must be sprinkled.
John: Okay, go get us sets near, but not too near the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
Jeremy: Oh, and if you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some because I love the crab cakes.
John: Consider it done.

View Quote John: Fondue set.
Claire: Excuse me?
John: The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. (puts out hand to shake)
Claire: Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
John: Well, I'm a psychic.
Claire: You're psychic?
John: I am.
Claire: Really?
John: Yes.
Claire: What's that one.
John: Knife set. German, very nice.
Claire: Hmm..and that?
John: Cotton linens, Egyptian.
Claire: Ooooh, what about that?
John: Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candle sticks, crystal stemware, which they'll probably never use 'cause it's crystal stemware.
Claire: Okay, how about that?
John: This, uh, massage oils and a book on tantra probably from a wacky aunt.
Claire: Let's check.
John: Who's it from?
Claire: Aunt Milly.
John: Yes!
Claire: Well, you--you have a gift.
John: I know, unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Claire: Well, you know if the police are missing a Belgium waffle maker, you could, um, give them a hand.

View Quote Jeremy: So what's next?
Gloria: I'm starving.
Jeremy: Uchimora wedding, 3 PM.
John: Hey, hey.
Jeremy: I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just--
John: (to Claire) They would have great tempura.
Jeremy: We don't even have a back story. I'm just--
John: Forget it, forget it.
Jeremy: Just talking out loud.
Claire: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City!
Gloria: Yeah!
Jeremy: Yes, we are.

View Quote Jeremy: Well don't worry about it. We'll burn em with a post.
John: No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that?
Jeremy: John, I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here. Alright guys, bring it in. Blue 17, blue 17! Red 7, red 7!
John (to Claire): Oh, you're going to cover me?
Claire: Like white on rice.
Jeremy: (in background) Red 7! Red 7!
John: Alright, I like my odds here.
Jeremy: (in background) Hot route! Hot route!
John (to Claire): Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown.
Jeremy: (to everyone) Hot route! Red 7, red 7, red 7!
John (to Claire): Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball.
Jeremy: (to John) John!
John: What?
Jeremy: Red 7!
John: I don't know what Red 7 means!
Jeremy: Hot route!
John: I don't--what is hot route?
Jeremy: Would you just go stand on the other side please?

View Quote Jeremy: I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.
John: What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 5, you're an idiot.
Jeremy: You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an asshole.

View Quote Jeremy: (with sleeping bag) Happy birthday. Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
John: Alright, it's today.
Jeremy: See you've been getting into a little light reading.
John: It's not mine, I bought that for a friend.
Jeremy: Yeah. So how ya been?
John: Great, really spectacular.
Jeremy: Well good. What have you been up to?
John: Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings.
Jeremy: Alone?
John: No, not alone.
Jeremy: Well, who have you been crashing with then?
John: Chazz.
Jeremy: Chazz?
John: Chazz.
Jeremy: John, you don't even know Chazz. Don't st--
John: Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
Jeremy: Alright look. I wanted to come by here and, and tell you I really feel bad about everything that's happened between us. Your friendship means a lot to me. I miss seeing ya.
John: I know, I--look I'm, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.
Jeremy: I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that man. Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on ya (hugs him). You know I love you. It's good to see you.
John: It's good to see you.
Jeremy: Are you sure you've been okay, this does not look like a guy who's been okay.
John: Ahh, I know. Looks like a pig sty.
Jeremy: Like a mosh pit in here. Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me that I'm--
John: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books.
Jeremy: You said that the book wasn't your's.
John: Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: I'm trying--
John: Kindly leave.
Jeremy: Mean a lot to me if you came.
John: Oh, I bet it would! Hillbilly!
Jeremy: What?!
John: White trash!
Jeremy: What are you talking about?
John: Out. Out.
Jeremy: You better get your ass to that wedding.

View Quote Jeremy: We are going to have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John: And who's going to be there to catch them?
Jeremy: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding season? (raises hand)
John: Mister Grey.
Jeremy: Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?
John: Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?

View Quote Sack: Trapster, it's Sack.
Trapster: Sackmaster! How was the wedding?
Sack: Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party, of course, rocked. We got Heidi a couple of those ****ing sluts from the environmental group, remember them?
Trapster: No way! Did you tap that again?
Sack: Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
Trapster: Damn! Sluts! Oh, how's Claire? Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?
Sack: Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know. She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time. But that'll all change when we're married, 'cause I want a wife. I don't want a ****ing martyr, right?
Trapster: I hear that, my friend.
Sack: Hey, man, listen, l-l-l-I got--do you remember that private detective we used to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?
Trapster: The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.
Sack: Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire. They got some sort of N.P.O. Called "Holy Shirts & Pants."
Trapster: I will check into them.
Sack: Excellent, bro.
Trapster: You da man!
Sack: Take it easy.