ALL A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Mikita's manager, Glen quotes

(speaking to the camera) I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder?

You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Garth Algar: Party on, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Party on, Garth.

Wayne Campbell: Car!
Garth Algar: Car!
car drives past
Wayne Campbell: Game On!
Garth Algar: Game On!

Wayne Campbell: Uh-oh, Stacy.
Stacy: Hi Wayne! Hi... rides bicycle into car

Garth Algar: Hey, Mister Donut-head Man, who's trying to kill you?
Garth [as Mr. Donut-head Man]: I don't know, but he better not!

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "ass-sphincter-says-what" (spoken speedily).
Noah Vanderhoff [arcade owner]: What?
Wayne: A sphincter says what?
Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne: Exactly.

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say it's okay, I don't mind? I don't mind. Well, I mind! I mind big-time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ. (Splashing water on his face to simulate tears)
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
Wayne: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne: Then it's not just a clever name.

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out.
Wayne: Well, it does, actually. That's what breaking up is.
...
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset.
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne: A gun rack... a gun rack. Shyeah, Right! I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne: I lost you two months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

Alan: Do I frighten you?
Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.
Alan: Do you want me to?

Wayne Campbell: So, do you... come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

[Wayne and Garth discuss Claudia Schiffer.]
Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babe-a-licious.
Wayne: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
...
Garth: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding this. (referring to Claudia's picture)
Wayne: Yeah, that's what she said.

Benjamin Caine: First, let me get this out of the way: I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.
Garth: Well, we'll try harder, okay? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

Benjamin Kane: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm... no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office — that's what I did — and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!

Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you, man.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No-no-no, I mean it, man. I LOVE you.
Wayne: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne: (being hugged by Terry) Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar (casually): Thank you. (continues dancing)

Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cues.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the "mirth-mobile", staring at the stars.]
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted, with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth: She's a babe.
Wayne: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".
Garth: If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln.
Wayne: If she lived in the Cretaceous, she'd be Babeasauros Rex.
...
Garth: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Wayne: (cracks up laughing) No... No.
Garth: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?
Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.
Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these. (holds up pink slip)
Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.
Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
Glen: Yeah, I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.

[Wayne is stopped by a traffic cop.]
Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
Wayne Campbell: AHHHHHHHH! [floors it]

Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans, of course, don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.

Wayne Campbell: Hey, where'd you learn to speak English?
Cassandra: College... and the "Police Academy" movies.

Benjamin Kane: We'll be in touch.

Benjamin Kane: He's in.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's not one of us?
Wayne: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell: Interesting.

Benjamin Kane: So, Garth, what do you think of the new set?
Garth Algar: It's kinda like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.

[Inventor Ron Paxton demonstrates the "Suck Kut", a vacuum/haircutting device.]
Ron Paxton: As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.
Wayne Campbell: It certainly does suck.
Garth Algar: (getting a suck-cut) AAHHH! TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE! OH, THE HUMANITY!

Stacy: Hi, Garth.
Garth Algar: Hi.
Stacy: I'm looking for Wayne, I'm very concerned about him. He seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, you know. What do you think it is?
Garth: That you're mental.
Stacy: You know him best, what do you think I should do?
Garth: Just get over it and go out with somebody else.
Stacy: Get over it and go out with somebody else. Yeah, thanks, okay, great. [to random guy] Hi.

Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.
Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car?
Wayne: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.
...
Garth: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this. [Garth holds out an extremely small paper cup.]

Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
Cassandra: .........Yeah.
Wayne: Okay, party. Bonus.

[Wayne wants help in a music store.]
Wayne: I know — I'll use the "May I help you?" riff (plays obnoxious guitar solo)
Clerk: May I help you?
...
[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store.]
Guy: You are, like... amazing... dude.
Garth: Thanks. I...like to play. (taps cymbal lightly)

Benjamin Kane: Hey, who wants Chinese Takeout? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung gai".

Garth Algar: I mean, we're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!
(Starting at 'I mean' and finishing at the second 'Wayne's basement', this is a haiku. I.e.:
I mean, we're looking/ Down on Wayne's basement. Only/ That's not Wayne's basement.)

Terry: I love you, man.
Russell: And I love you. Because I've learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.
Benjamin Kane: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America, almost to the top, but it can't get you everything.

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