Buck: Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell: Oh, good.
Buck: Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.

E. Roger Cogswell: [to Buck] You gotta let somebody know where you are. I've been checking car trunks for your corpse.

Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.

Buck: Did you brush your teeth?
Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[Buck leaves, as Miles gawks]
Maizy: If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.

Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?

Maizy: I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles: [offscreen] Shut Up!
Maizy: Shut up, yourself!
Tia: We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.

Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug: It's an ax?
Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
[walks away]
Tia: I'm sorry.
Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.

Cindy Russell: When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia: So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell: I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia: Oh really?
Cindy Russell: Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.

Buck: Do you think she hates me?
Maizy: With a passion.
'Buck: Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maizy: No.
Buck: No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.

[to her mother] If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.

Buck: The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia: Really?
Buck: You bet.
Tia: And how would you know?
Buck: When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.
Tia: I recommend you say out of my personal life!
Buck: Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia: They don't know my personal life.
Buck: Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia: His name is Bug.
Buck: [chuckles] First or last?
Tia: First!
Buck: What's his last name, Spray?
Tia: You should talk, Buck!

Maizy's Teacher: Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[Maizy raises her hand]
Maizy's Teacher: Maizy?
Maizy: My uncle was microwaving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maizy's Teacher: Honest?
Maizy: Mm-Hmm.
Maizy's Teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maizy: He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maizy's Teacher: BLASPHEMER!

[Buck's beat-up old car pulls up]
Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck: Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh.

[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

Buck: [inquiring about the health of Bob's father-in-law] Her dad?
Bob Russell: Hard to say.
Buck: Oh, those medical terms eh?