Uncle Buck

Uncle Buck quotes

32 total quotes (ID: 602)

Buck Russell
Multiple Characters
Tia Russell


Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid - that's my job.


Buck: What time do you want me to pick you up after school?
Tia: Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends
Buck: No, I have my orders. What time?
Tia: Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.
Buck: Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.
Tia: Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.
Buck: Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?

Buck: Do you think she hates me?
Maizy: With a passion.
'Buck: Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maizy: No.
Buck: No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.

[Buck's beat-up old car pulls up]
Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck: Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh.

Buck: The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia: Really?
Buck: You bet.
Tia: And how would you know?
Buck: When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.
Tia: I recommend you say out of my personal life!
Buck: Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia: They don't know my personal life.
Buck: Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia: His name is Bug.
Buck: [chuckles] First or last?
Tia: First!
Buck: What's his last name, Spray?
Tia: You should talk, Buck!

Buck: [inquiring about the health of Bob's father-in-law] Her dad?
Bob Russell: Hard to say.
Buck: Oh, those medical terms eh?

[Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]
Buck: I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.
Chanice: Dimples!
Buck: What do we call them? One... one was on the right, 'was Lyndon and left was...
Chanice: It's Johnson.
Buck: Johnson.
[Chanice laughs]
Buck: And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix! Felix is what we called your...
[cut to the next scene, where a cat meows loudly]

Buck: Did you brush your teeth?
Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[Buck leaves, as Miles gawks]
Maizy: If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.

Buck: What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.
Pooter-the-Clown: What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?
Buck: No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?
Pooter-the-Clown: I don't have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a god!
Buck: Get in your mouse, and get out of here.
Pooter-the-Clown: Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life-lying-four-flushing-sack-of-shit...
[Buck punches him, gets back up like an inflatable clown]
Pooter-the-Clown: [growls]
[Buck punches him again]

[at a meeting with the assistant principal, who's got a large unsightly growth on her face]
Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell: [Staring at it] I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!

Maizy's Teacher: Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[Maizy raises her hand]
Maizy's Teacher: Maizy?
Maizy: My uncle was microwaving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maizy's Teacher: Honest?
Maizy: Mm-Hmm.
Maizy's Teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maizy: He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maizy's Teacher: BLASPHEMER!

Maizy: [about the bowling alley] They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia: And rent-a-foot disease!

[Buck is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him]
Buck: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia: Try me.
Buck: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.

Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug: It's an ax?
Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
[walks away]
Tia: I'm sorry.
Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.

[Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]
Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.
Maisey: I'll bet she's getting the tongue!