Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.

E. Roger Cogswell: [to Buck] You gotta let somebody know where you are. I've been checking car trunks for your corpse.

Tia: Are you crazy?
Buck: I can be.
Tia: You could have taken his head off!
Buck: Yeah, but would he notice?

[On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Oh boy.

[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

[struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not.

[to Maizy's principal] I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God-damndest things

[They're eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, mother. How DO you find the time?

[to her mother] If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.

Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?

We need boys so they can grow up, get married and turn into shadows.

Cindy Russell: When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia: So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell: I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia: Oh really?
Cindy Russell: Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.

Maizy: I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles: [offscreen] Shut Up!
Maizy: Shut up, yourself!
Tia: We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.

Buck: Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell: Oh, good.
Buck: Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.