...
Marty: The last time Tap toured America, they where, uh, booked into 10,000 seat arenas, and 15,000 seat venues, and it seems that now, on their current tour they're being booked into 1,200 seat arenas, 1,500 seat arenas, and uh I was just wondering, does this mean uh...the popularity of the group is waning?
Ian: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no...no, no, not at all. I, I, I just think that the.. uh.. their appeal is becoming more selective.
...
David St. Hubbins: They said the album cover is a bit sexist.
Nigel Tufnel: Well, so what? What's wrong with being sexy?
David St. Hubbins: Sexist, Nigel.
...
Nigel Tufnel: (holding up a guitar) The sustain, listen to it.
Marty DiBergi: I don't hear anything.
Nigel Tufnel: Well you would though, if it were playing.
...
(Nigel Tufnel plays the piano)
Marty DiBergi: It's pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I like it. I've been fooling around with it for a few months now. Very delicate.
Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, well, it's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy that I'm doing in D [pause] minor, which, I always find is really the saddest of all keys, really, I don't know why; it makes people weep instantly to play (Nigel plays, and sings)
Nigel Tufnel: It's a horn part.
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
...
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you make ten a little louder, make that the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: (pause to think it over) These go to eleven.
...
Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
Derek Smalls: Er, not really.
...
Bobbi Flekman: Ian, you put a greased naked woman on all fours, with a dog collar around her neck and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here holding the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it - you don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?
Ian Faith: No, I don't! This is 1982, for God's sake...
Bobbi Flekman: That's right it's 1982. Get out of the Sixties. We don't have this mentality any more.
Ian Faith: Well you should have seen the cover they wanted to do. It wasn't a glove, believe me.
...
Derek Smalls: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.
David St. Hubbins: I envy us.
Derek Smalls: Yeah.
David St. Hubbins: I do.
Derek Smalls: Me too.
...
[After Ian Faith has quit managing the band and stormed out]
Derek Smalls: Can I raise a practical question at this point?
David St. Hubbins: What?
Derek Smalls: Are we going to do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
David St. Hubbins: No, we're not gonna ****in' do "Stonehenge"!!!
...
Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a St. Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.
Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
...
[After the failed "Stonehenge" performance regarding the undersized prop]
Ian Faith: I think you guys are making too big a thing of this.
Derek Smalls: Making a big thing of it would have been a good idea.
...
Ian Faith: Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
David St. Hubbins: But you're not as confused as him, are you? I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.
...
David St. Hubbins: We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but -
Nigel Tufnel: We don't literally say it.
David St. Hubbins: No, we don't say it.
Nigel Tufnel: We don't really, literally mean it.
David St. Hubbins: No, we don't believe it either, but -
Nigel Tufnel: But we're not racists.
David St. Hubbins: But that message should be clear.
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