Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police quotes

54 total quotes (ID: 566)

Gary Johnston
Jong Il Kim
Matt Damon
Multiple Characters
Other Characters

[Gary Johnston is pelted with rotten tomatoes]
Alec Baldwin: [To Gary] You cant out-act me, boy: don't even try it! [to audience] For the truth is: Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just as bad as the enemies... they... [dramatic pause] fight. [applause]
Gary Johnston: Oh, no, we are'nt! We're dicks! [surprise from audience] We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild... are pussies. And Kim Jong Il... is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks - also - **** - assholes... assholes who just wanna shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can **** an asshole... is a dick... with some balls. The problem with dicks is, sometimes they **** too much or **** when it isn't appropriate...
Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes!
Gary Johnston: ...and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. [music of awe] I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know: If you don't let us **** - this - asshole, we're going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!

Lisa to Gary: You had me at "dicks **** assholes".

You are worthress Arec Barrin! [shoots Alec Baldwin]

Spottswoode: Let me explain to you, the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's **** in your mouth, you make a pact; a bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated... that he will get down on his knees and put that **** right in his mouth.

Matt Damon!

Dicks, pussies and assholes [diversly permuted by Gary and another drunk]

Spottswoode: You're going to fool everyone, Gary. Or should I say, Hakmed

Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

[French accordion music. The Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe are visible]
French Puppet: Sacre bleu. Dans la putaaan. Ah. Oui? Bon. Helleu.... [pan out, and the revel-in-the-beauty-of-the-models sequence commences]
French mother: Jean-François?! Jean-François?!
Jean-François: [Singing] Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques. Dormez-vous? Dormez...
[Arab music Jo, de Siddhiiii sounds as Jean-François bumps into some middle-eastern looking sinister types]
White Turban Grey Beard: Baka derk. Jihad sherpaha.
White Turban Black Beard: Allah kaderka-derka. [Activates the suitcase bomb]
French Mother: Jean-François! Pauvre garçon!
Jean-François: Regardez-le, maman. On volez en pepipe.
French Mother: Mon Dieu!
[Sirens sound followed by the Team America theme]
Terrorist: Bakala! Bakala!!!
Joe: [Through the PA system] You in the robes: put down the weapon of mass destruction and get on the ground. You're under arrest!
Terrorist: Bakalakalaka!
Carson: [Getting out of his car, having just run over a fruit-cart] World Police! Get down on the ground!
Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Carson: He's getting away with the WMD!
Joe: I got him! [fires missile, toppling the Eiffel Tower. It falls, shattering the Arc de Triomphe]
Joe: Damn, I missed him.
[Paris is reduced to a smouldering pile of rubble]
Joe: Bonjour everyone! Don't worry. Everything is bon! We stopped the terrorists.

Spottswoode: Come into my car
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get'n your car and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: No. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston: Yeah I'll bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to **** your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable!

Spottswoode: We will disguise you as as terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.
Gary: Alright, thanks. (Walks out of the door.)
Spottswoode: Huh.

Joe: Wadda you think Spottswoode sees in him?
Lisa: I dunno, but I think I see it too.

You might have all the others fooled, but not me. Your acting was reckless, and it put us all in danger. The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions! You got it?

Gary Johnston: We were all out at the zoo one day. I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and... threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who, tossed him to another... Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas... beat him to death, before the zookeepers could gas them all. My acting... got my brother killed. I got to live with that, every single day.
Lisa: Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

Lisa: God, I'm so confused! It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.