"No, no, no! He has to know! He's always cryin!"

Announcer at Racetrack: As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is of course a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.

Bill Weber: Ricky Bobby wins! You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes! It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but, man, that was something!

Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's "Ice Dancing To The Hits Of Motown".

Carley Bobby: [about Walker and Texas Ranger] If we wanted us some wussies, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman', okay?

Opening title card: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad-ass speed. - Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936.

Ricky's Co-Worker: Nice denim shorts, dude!

Speed News Announcer: Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his prize-winning horses, who are also gay.

Cal: [as Ricky prepares to start his first race] Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?!
Ricky: Yeah!
Cal: Who's retarded now?!
Ricky: Yeah!
Cal: Hey, what are you doin' after this?
Ricky: After the race?
Cal: Yeah!
Ricky: I don't know, but it feels like we're wastin' a lot of time!
Cal: Aw, I know! I'm just excited!

Cal: [talking to his crew chief over the radio] Hey, Jarvis?
Jarvis: Yeah, Cal?
Cal: If you slept with your best friend's wife, why would he apologize to you?
Jarvis: Yeah, I don't know, Cal. That's weird.
Cal: That's what I'm sayin'! My head's all tied up...like a pretzel! I got a pretzel in my head!

Cal: Hey, when you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time, how do you control the volume on the T.V.?
Ricky: Why would you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time?
Cal: 'Cause I like to party.

Cal: I like to think of Jesus with, like, big eagle's wings, singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk...
Carly: Hey, Cal, why don't you just shut up?
Cal: Yes, ma'am.

Cal: Shake and Bake?
Ricky: No. Never again.
Cal: You're right. I was a total dick, man.
Ricky: From now on, [points to Cal] it's Magic Man...[points to himself] and El Diablo.
Cal: What--What's Diablo mean?
Ricky: It’s, like, Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.
Cal: That's awesome! With the claws?
Ricky: Yeah, with the claws. With the claws and a beak!
Cal: How'd you come up with that, man?
Ricky: Just--sometimes, things click.

Carley, Cal, Walker, Texas Ranger: Jenga!

Chip: Ricky, remember: The fieldmouse is fast, but the owl sees at night. [maniacal laughter]
Cal: That's kinda creepy, ain't it?