Becca: Mmmm, I'm so wet!
Evan: Yeah... they told us that would happen in health class...

Becca: You have such a smooth cock!
Evan: Yeah, you would too... if you were a man.

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.
Seth: Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.

Evan: I still think you have a chance with Jules man. Really I mean she got incredibly hot over the summer and she obviously hasn't realized it yet cause she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.
Seth: Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like fucking Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.

Evan: I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, y'know? I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar I want a little production value, y'know like some editing, transition, something, some music...
Seth: Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?

Fogel: I got a boner!
Nicola: Ha ha good. Do you have a condom?
Fogel: Yes...and lube!

Fogel: Wait for me Nicola! Wait for me on the outside!
Nicola: We were gonna go to Hawaii...

Fogell: Can I hold your gun?
Officer Slater: [Pauses for a moment] ...Yeah, sure, I don't see why not.
Officer Michaels: I think everyone should hold a gun at least twice.

Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field
Seth: [kicks ball into the stands] GOAL!
Gym Teacher: You're getting that!
Seth: No, I'm not!

Jules: Seth, are you crying?
Seth: No I just have something in both my eyes...

McLovin: What's it like to have guns?
Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks... if one of your cocks could kill someone!

Officer Slater: Alright now guys, check this out... probably the greatest move in donut-spinning history, you paying attention? Behold the upward spiraling pigtail!
Officer Michaels: Why is it called that?
Officer Slater: I don't know!
Officer Michaels: Make the badge proud, Slater! [to Fogell] He's not usually this drunk when he does this, but I think that could make it more cool.

Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
Old Lady: I will. Enjoy fucking Jules!
Seth: I will!

Seth: I can get you guys alcohol.
Jules: Really? Seriously?
Seth: Yes, for sure.
Jules: That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.