Charlie: I'll see you in two weeks, okay Raymond?
Raymond: One for bad, two for good.
Charlie: Well, bet two then, Raymond.
Raymond: Yeah.

Doctor: Are you autistic?
Raymond: I don't think so. No. Definitely not.

Dr. Bruner: Wouldn't you be more comfortable in your K-mart clothes, Raymond?
Charlie: Tell him, Raymond.
Raymond: K-mart sucks.

Raymond: Gotta get my boxer shorts at K-Mart.
Charlie: [Pulls over, gets out of the car and yells] I'm going out of my mind! Out of my mind! WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHERE YOU BUY UNDERWEAR? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? UNDERWEAR IS UNDERWEAR! IT IS UNDERWEAR WHEREVER YOU BUY IT! IN CINCINNATI OR WHEREVER!
Raymond: K-Mart!
Charlie: You know what I think, Ray? I think this autism is a bunch of shit! Because you can't tell me that you're not in there somewhere!
Raymond: Boxer shorts. K-Mart!

Susanna: How was that?
Raymond: Wet.

Susanna: You use me, you use Raymond, you use everybody.
Charlie: Using Raymond? Hey Raymond, am I using you? Am I using you, Raymond?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: Shut up! He is answering a question from a half hour ago!

Are you taking any prescription medication?

I'm an excellent driver

Kmart sucks!

Look at this studio...

Of course I don't have my underwear. I'm definitely not wearing my underwear.

One for bad, two for good

Qantas never crashed.

Uh oh fart.

Uh oh, fifteen minutes to Wapner.