[Westley and Buttercup are traversing the fire swamp. All the while, Westley is cutting away vines with his sword.]
This will all soon be but a happy memory. Roberts' ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.
But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?
I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
[nods at Westley, then gives him a confused expression]
[Miracle Max inflates Westley's chest with a bellows.]
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? [presses on Westley's chest to force the air back out]
[faintly]
Truuuuueee.... looooooovvveee.....
[excited]
True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff," huh? So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated—
[popping out from another room]
Liar! LIAR! LI-A-A-AR!
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!
You never had it so good.
"True love!" He said, "true love," Max! My God—
Don't say another word, Valerie.
[to the others]
He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. [begins chasing Max around the house] Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck!
[holding his hands over his ears]
I'm not listening!
True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Nobody's hearing nothing!
[continues repeating "Humperdinck" at Max]
[simultaneously]
This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
[quiets Valerie]
Wait, wait- I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
[laughs and sings briefly]
That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five. I'm on the job!
[Fezzik, Inigo and Westley scare off Yellin's guards with an impressive display involving a holocaust cloak, then prevent Yellin from closing the portcullis at the castle gate.]
Give us the gate key.
Yellin I have no gate key.
Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin [pulls out the key]
Oh, you mean this gate key!
[Westley is lying weak on the bed, having just been challenged by Prince Humperdinck.]
To the death!
[pauses]
I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
[flinching angrily]
That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
[losing his patience]
And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right—
[exasperated]
And then my ears, I understand! Let's get on with it—
WRONG! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
[pauses]
I think you're bluffing.
It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. [standing slowly and holding out his sword] Drop. Your. Sword.
Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? [Inigo appears at the window] Ah, there you are. Inigo, I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. [Buttercup appears at the window] Hello, lady! So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.
Fezzik, you did something right.
Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head.
