The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill quotes

[to a pretty girl] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girl's boyfriend punches him] All five of 'em hit me at once.

[after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope.

I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything.

[about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

[offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me.

[after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!

[to Gloria Jean] Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?

I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

There's no sense arguing with a woman.

Lucky we didn't have an accident...We'd never have made it.

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