Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Never Give a Sucker an Even Break quotes

27 total quotes (ID: 418)

Mr. Pangborn
Multiple Characters
The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill


Gloria Jean: My Uncle Bill...But I still love him.


Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin: [after kissing Peter Carson] You must be a professional.

Peter Carson: If that girl is as beautiful as you say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.

Fields: Is there any goulash on this menu?
Waitress: [wiping a spot off the menu] It's roast beef gravy.

Flight Attendant: Are you air sick?
Fields: Somebody put too many olives in my martinis last night.

Gloria Jean: But how can you look out for me when I'm here and you're way down there?
Fields: You want to go to school, don't you?...You want to grow up and be dumb like ZaSu Pitts?

Gloria Jean: We're falling two thousand feet!
Fields: All right, dear. Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous.

Gloria Jean: Why didn't you ever marry?
Fields: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Mrs. Hemoglobin: Men. Men. They're all alike. They'll deceive you as your father did me. He kissed a chorus girl and when I found out he said, 'Oh, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing.'
Ouliotta: Do you think he drinks?
Mrs. Hemoglobin: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.

Ouliotta: Are you really a man?
Fields: Well, I've been called other things.

Peter Carson: [about Mrs. Hemoglobin] She has a bank roll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.
Fields: She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me.

Radio report: ...two crooks who have just held up the bank for one hundred and fifty thousand...that is all.
Fields: That is all? A hundred and fifty thousand. That's all. It ain't hay, is it?
Radio report: ...One crook - slight build, evidently a jockey, has a horse scar behind his left ear...other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear, apple-red cheeks, mutton-chop whiskers.
Fields: Sounds like a full-course dinner to me! What? No apple pie?

Receptionist: [talking on the phone] You big hotty-dottie. You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night. Someday, you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Fields: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death where is thy sting?

Waitress: And another thing, don't be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

Waitress: And another thing. You're always squawking about something. If it isn't the steak, it's something else.
Fields: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.
Fields: You used to be an old Follies girl?
Waitress: You know, there's something awfully big about you. [pause] Your nose.
Fields: [Looking at her rear end] There's something awfully big about you too.