Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!

Aunt Edna: Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!

Cousin Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

Ellen Griswold: I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Motorcycle Cop: Ya know, if I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver, faster than you could say "police brutality."

The Girl in the Ferrari: It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!

Audrey: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]

Audrey: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Ellen: Find a bush Audrey!

Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkins.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.

Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Cousin Catherine: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.
Ellen: Good news, what good news, Catherine?
Aunt Edna: You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Clark bites into his 'burger' and it squirts out onto the plate]

Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: [pulling some 20s out of his wallet] Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.
[Clark quickly begins putting the money back in his wallet]

Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?

Car Salesman: Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed.
Car Salesman: Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Car Salesman: I know what must have happened. It didn't come in. Now I can get you the Sports Wagon; the only problem is that it may take six weeks. I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it.
Clark: Ed, I'm not your average fool. Now I want my super sports wagon now, or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!
Car Salesman: Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car and bring it back here!
[the car is in the process of being smashed. It returns flat, and Clark tries to squat and open the door]