Doris (TV Repairwoman): Are you crazy? You don't feed a baby chili!

Joan: [at the supermarket] Can I give you a hand?
Jack: You can give me two I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Your Mom calls the vacuum cleaner "jaws"?

Honey if you call and I'm not home I'll be at the gym or the gun club.

Honey, you gave me some real good advice once, so let me give you some of my own. It's real easy to forget what's important, so don't.

[Trying to get Kenny to give up his security blanket] I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great... and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious.

Kenny, don't paint your sister!

[to Jinx] You yell at my kid like that again, I'm knockin' you out!

Annette: Hello Jack? I'm Annette. You're doing it wrong.

Jack: My wife and I went to the movies the other day, we saw Rocky. While I'm watching it, I'm thinking 'This guy has taken some falls you know.
Auto Worker 1: Which Rocky was it? 1 or 2, or 3?
Jack: I don't know. Three I guess. But...
Auto Worker 2: Hey, did the guy have a mo-hawk like Mr. T?
Jack: OK forget Rocky. The point is... when you're down, not not exactly out... I mean, I mean you gotta hang tough... I don't know.
Auto Worker 1: Well Hang tough baby! Do what Rocky would do! [Jack walks out] He didn't see Rocky.

Jinx: [talking about the lay-off] You're not exactly walking out of here empty handed. You got your pension and I'll give you this month's gas money.
Larry: There's only one more thing I want.
Jinx: What?
Larry: DISABILITY!
[goes to window and tries to open it and jump out but is grabbed by Jack]
Jinx: Hey keep that sense of humor it'll do you good.
[Larry rushes at him and attempts to strangle him]

Caroline: Do you want to go over the list one more time?
Jack: No I don't want to go over the list! OK let's go over the list.

Doris (TV Repairwoman): Butler, you got a problem with your horizontal hold?
Jack: I don't know.
Doris (TV Repairwoman): Your wife says you do.
Jack: Well, she ought to know... come on in...

Annette: [as Jack is driving away from the supermarket] He's married!
Joan: So were we once!

Jack: My brain is like oatmeal. I yelled at Kenny today for coloring outside the lines! Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows, and I'm liking them! I'm losing it.
Caroline: Honey, I know what you're talking about. I've been there myself, alright?
Jack: Well, if you're so unhappy, why don't you say something about it?
Caroline: Because I wasn't unhappy! Look, maybe I was a little confused, maybe I was a little frustrated, but I knew what I was doing was important, because it means something to raise human beings. What saw me through was pride.
[Jack takes the bedspread, pillow and a pizza slice before heading out]
Caroline: I've pride in this house, I've pride with my kids, and I've pride being Mrs. Jack Butler! Where are you going?
Jack: [Eating pizza before going] I'm goin' downstairs to sleep on the fat couch if I can get through the door.
[Jack leaves the room]
Caroline: Well, you should take pride with some of that FAT, Porky!
[Caroline slams the door]