Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes

23 total quotes (ID: 396)

A Blessing from the Lord
Camelot
Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
End of the Film
English Castle
Frank the Historian
Inside the Cave
Opening credits
Promotional
Roger the Shrubber
Swamp Castle
The Witch
The Black Knight
The Book of the Film
The Bridge of Death
The Castle Aaaaarrrgh
The Castle Anthrax
The Cave of Caerbannog
The Dead Collector
The French Castle
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni
The Knights Who Say Ni!
The Tale of Sir Robin
Tim the Enchanter


Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
Dennis: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort-of-executive officer for the week--
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting--
Arthur: Yes, I see.
Dennis: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
Arthur: [getting bored] Be quiet.
Dennis: But by a two thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Dennis' Mother: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Dennis' Mother: Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Dennis' Mother: How'd you become king, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: Shut up! Will you shut up?! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!


Peasant 1: A witch! We have found a witch! Can we burn her?
Belvedere: How do you know that she is a witch?
Peasant 2: Because she looks like one!
Witch: I am not a witch! I am not a witch! They dressed me up like this, and this is not my nose it is a false one!
[Belvedere pulls off the false nose and opens his helmet]
Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose, and the hat.
Peasant 2: She has a wart.
Belvedere: Why do you think that she is a witch?
Peasant 2: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Belvedere gives him a disbelieving look]
Belvedere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant 2: Well I got better.
Peasant 3: Burn her anyway.
[Yells of "Burn her!"]
Belvedere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?
Peasants: Burn them!
Belvedere: Now, what do burn besides witches?
Peasant 3: More witches! [receives a punch from Peasant 1; silence]
Peasant 2: Wood?
Belvedere: So, why do witches burn? [more silence]
Peasant 2: Because there made of wood?
Belvedere: So, how do you tell if she is made of wood?
Peasant 3: Build a bridge out of her!
Belvedere: Ah, but cant you also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 3: Oh, right.
Belvedere: Tell me, does wood sink?
Peasant 1: No, it floats.
Belvedere: What also floats in water?
[lots of yelling and many wrong and random answers including very small rocks]
King Arthur: A duck!
Belvedere: Exactly!
Peasant 2: So if she weighs as much as a duck she is made of wood.
Belvedere: And therefore?
Peasants: A witch!
Belvedere: We shall use my largest scales.
[Having been revealed to weigh the same as a duck, therefore proving her a witch, the crowd goes insane]
Witch: It's a fair cop.

God: [angel chorus plays] Arthur. Arthur, King of the Britons! [Arthur and the Knights grovel] Oh, don't grovel! [chorus stops] If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
King Arthur: Sorry.
God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "I'm sorry" this, and "forgive me" that, and "I'm not worthy"...

King Arthur: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
[dramatic chord]
Old Crone: Who sent you?
Arthur: The Knights Who Say Ni.
Crone: Ah! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say--we will say--"ni".
Crone: Ah! Do your worst!
Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily, "ni"!
Crone: No! Never! No shrubberies!
Arthur: Ni!
Sir Belvedere: No! No!
Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's "ni".
Belvedere: No!
Arthur: No, no, "ni". You're not doing it properly.
Belvedere: No! Ni!
Arthur: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
Arthur, Belvedere: Ni! Ni!
Roger: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Er, yes.
Roger: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
[slight pause]
Sir Belvedere: Ni!
King Arthur: [stops him] No! No, no, no! No!

Arthur: What manner of man are you, that can summon fire without flint or tinder?
Tim: I... am an Enchanter.
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim?

Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Arthur: [holding the Holy Hand Grenade] How does it, um — how does it work?
Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Brother Maynard: Amen.
Knights: Amen.
Arthur: Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!
Galahad: Three, sir.
Arthur: THREE!
[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]

Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! Bedemir: Lancelot! Lancelot! [Meanwhile, Lancelot is being padded down by the police] Arthur: The Castle Aaaaarrrgh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! [kneels and prays] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast bought safe to us the most Holy — [loud BOING in the background] JESUS CHRIST!
[A sheep drops upon Arthur and Bedevere. The annoying Frenchman appears.]
Frenchman: 'Allo, little English K-niggits and Monsieur Ah-thoor Keeng who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows outwit you a second time-a!
Arthur: How dare you profane this place with your presence?! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
Frenchman: How you English say "I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction," sons of a window-dresser! So, you zought you could outclever us French folk with your silly knees-bent-running-around-advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy load of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!
Arthur: IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SACRED CASTLE!
Frenchman: No chance, English bedwetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [The French chuck their waste upon Arthur and Bedevere.] In the name of God and the glory of our — [They do it a second time.] Right! That settles it! [He and Bedevere start to storm off. The French continue to jeer at them.]
Frenchman: Yes, depart at this time and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already!
Arthur: [to Bedevere] Walk away. Just ignore them.
Frenchman: Yes! Go! And remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And if you zink you got nasty taunting ZIS time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English K-niggits! Thhhhhhppppph!

Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it!
[rounds of melee, with Arthur cutting off the left arm of the black knight.]
King Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't.
King Arthur: Well what's that then? [Pointing to the knight's arm lying on the ground.]
Black Knight: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on then, you pansy! [Charges Arthur, who chops the knight's remaining arm off.]
King Arthur: Victory is mine! [kneels and starts to pray] We thank thee Lord, that in thy-- [is kicked in the head by the armless knight.]
Black Knight: Come on then!
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you! [Kicks Arthur]
King Arthur: You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oohh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound. [Continues to kick and taunt Arthur]
King Arthur: Stop that!
Black Knight: Chicken! Chicken!
King Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg. [Recieves a very sharp kick] Right! [Chops off one of the black knight's legs]
Black Knight: Right! I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?!
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: You're a looney.
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [Hopping on one leg towards King Arthur]
[King Arthur chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground.]
Black Knight: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur: Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!
[Fade to black.]

Arthur: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Guard: What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur: Yes.
Guard: You're using coconuts!
Arthur: What?
Guard: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging 'em together.
Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through —
Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: ... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.

Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead. [Hits gong]
Large Man: Here's one.
Dead Collector: Ninepence.
Dead Body: I'm not dead!
Dead Collector: What?
Large Man: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
Dead Body: I'm not dead!
Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man: Yes he is.
Dead Body: I'm not!
Dead Collector: He isn't!
Large Man: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Dead Body: I'm getting betta!
Large Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Dead Collector: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulation!
Dead Body: I don't want to go on the cart!
Large Man: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Dead Collector: I can't take him.
Dead Body: I feel fine!
Large Man: Who's that then?
Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.
Large Man: Why?
Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Narrator: Sir Bedevere the Wise was the first to become one of King Arthur's Knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot — who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the Vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill — and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[A magnificent castle stands before them.]
King Arthur: Camelot.
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot.
Patsy: It's only a model.

Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]
Sir Galahad: What a strange person.
King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--
Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Frank the Historian: Defeat at the castle seemed to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest Knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did —
[A Knight rides by, killing Frank with his sword.]

Minstrel: (singing) Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravely ran away away.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: (singing) When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: (singing) Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: (singing) And gallantly he chickened out.
Sir Robin: I never did!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat.
Sir Robin: All lies!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
Sir Robin: I never!