Men in Black

Men in Black quotes

17 total quotes (ID: 388)

Quotes


Overweight Cop: Edwards, if you were half the man I am--
James Edwards: What the hell you talking about? I am half the man you are.


Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind! You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
[The Bug's flying saucer smashes into Edgar's truck. Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Edgar: Figures.
Beatrice: What the heck is it, Edgar?
Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house.
[Beatrice goes back inside, while Edgar loads his shotgun and stands over the smoking crater where his truck was parked]
The Bug: [The Bug orders Edgar, yet the viewer cannot see the creature as it is in the crater] Place projectile weapon on the ground.
Edgar: You can have my gun.... when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
The Bug: Your proposal is acceptable. [A long arm with long, bony digits grabs Edgar, pulls him into the crater and consumes him]

Agent K: You don't happen to know what alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Agent J: Wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn. Alex said--
Agent K: [To Zed on a phone-like device] Zed, we have a Bug.
Agent J: What, we don't like Bugs?
Agent K: Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, and thrive on the death and destruction of other species.
Agent J: [Cheerfully incredulous] You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Agent K: [Interrupts] Slick, imagine a giant ****roach — with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a REAL short temper — is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar-suit. That sound like fun?

James Edwards: When was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Agent K: About six months ago, it's a company policy.
James Edwards: Right. You should make another appointment.

[J and K listen to an Elvis cassette in the car]
Agent J: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Agent K: No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.

Agent J: [Talking to Agent K in the MIB elevator] All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that. But before y'all get to beaming me up, there's just a few things you should know. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. And I want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport' or nothing like that, cool?
Agent K: Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills... [Elevator doors open revealing MIB's massive headquarters] As of right now, they mean precisely 'dick'.

[Jeebs is an alien who has sold an illegal weapon to a cephalopod. K shoots his head apart when he won't admit this. He begins regrowing it]
Jeebs: You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?

[At the MIB shooting range]
Zed: Edwards, what the hell happened?
Agent J: Hesitated.
Zed: [Presses a button on a remote control which brings forward a target of a girl holding some books. There is a bullet hole in her head] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
Agent J: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
Agent J: [Looks around the shooting range] Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light. But then I realized he's just workin' out, you know. I mean, how'd I feel if someone came in bustin' my ass while I'm on a treadmill? Then I was gonna shoot this snarling beast guy, then I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I realized, he's not snarling, he's sneezing, there ain't a real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany, and I'm thinkin "eight year-old white girl, out on the street this time of night, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, hangin' around with quantum physics books?!" She's about to start some shit, Zed! I mean, she's only about eight years old, those books are way too advanced for her. So, if you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology?

Edgar/The Bug: [To an exterminator who has come to spray the ****roaches in his barn] Just what exactly do you think you're doing here?
Exterminator: I'm here to take care of your pest problem.
Edgar/The Bug: Pest problem? PEST?!
Exterminator: Yeah, you got one hell of an infestation.
Edgar/The Bug: [Referring to the human race] You know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum. Totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Exterminator: Well, yeah. Uh, don't you wanna get rid of 'em?
Edgar/The Bug: Oh, in the worst way. [Kills the exterminator with his own pesticide]

Agent K:[Opens a pair of large doors revealing shelves of advanced weaponry. Grabs a large gun and holds it in front of Agent J] Series 4 Deatomizer.
Agent J: Now that's what I'm talkin' about.
Agent K: [Pulls the weapon away and presents another, much smaller weapon to Agent J] Noisy Cricket.
Agent J: Aw, Kay? Nah, nah, come on, man! You get a Series 4 Deatomizer, I get a little Midget Cricket? [Absentmindedly points the gun at Kay as he is speaking]
Agent K: [Grabs Agent J's arm and points the gun away from him] Whoa!
Agent J: [Continues to stare at the weapon in disbelief] I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!

Agent K: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Agent J: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! In case you've forgotten, there's an alien battle cruiser--
Agent K: There's always an alien battle cruiser, or a Corellian death ray, or an intergalactic plague intended to wipe out life on this miserable little planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!

[In the morgue, discussing the dead Arquillian] Agent K: What do you think?
Agent J: [Speaking about Laurel] Veeery interesting. She's got a real 'Queen of the Undead' thing going on there.
Agent K: Of the body.
Agent J: Oh, great body.
Agent K: [Frustrated] The dead body.

Edgar/The Bug: Where do you keep your dead?!
Manny the News Vendor: I don't have any dead.
Edgar/The Bug: [Grabs him] WHERE?!
Manny the News Vendor: I don't know. Uh, the city morgue?

Agent K: Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Agent J: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Agent K: One hour.
Agent J: One hour. Then what?
[The message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB - DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED. SORRY."]
Agent J: Oh, that's bullshit! [The countdown begins]

[Laurel is trying to bluff The Bug so she can escape]
Dr. Laurel Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even! There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to try and impress you, I'm just saying it could start a war!
Edgar/The Bug: Good! War, that means more food for my family, all 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness.
Dr. Laurel Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE! [Escapes]
Edgar/The Bug: Ohhh...