Peter: What should we write... I have a big weiner?
Robby: I want to poop back and forth.
Peter: What? What does that mean?
Robby: Like I'll poop into her butthole and she'll poop it back... into my butthole and then we'll just keep doing it back and forth. With the same poop. Back and forth. Forever.

Christine Jesperson: [seeing his bandage] Whoa, what happened?
Richard Swersey: You want the short version or the long one?
Christine Jesperson: The long one.
Richard Swersey: I tried to save my life but it didn't work.
Christine Jesperson: Wow. What's the short one?
Richard Swersey: I burned it.

Robby: Mom says we have a chore wheel.
Richard Swersey: What?
Peter Swersey: Nothing.
Robby: A chore wheel. You put chores on it and then you can spin it. There's this metal thing and it helps it to spin. It's spinning from the metal.

Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain but you don't.
Christine Jesperson: I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes does that. I have low ankles.
Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.
Christine Jesperson: I don't think I deserve it.
Richard Swersey: Well, not consciously maybe.
Christine Jesperson: My ankles are just low...
Richard Swersey: People think that foot pain is a fact of life, but life is actually better than that.
Michael: I'll say. You should get some. Your whole life could be better. Just starting right now.

Peter Swersey: I'd live up there if I could, if there was no gravity
Sylvie: Yeah, but if you lived up there, all the stuff in my room would fall on you and crush you and you'd die

But this is better 'cause it won't matter if we mess up. And we'll be together.

Andrew: Dude, did you just give her the family discount?
Richard Swersey: Yeah. She's my neighbor, and I'm trying to work on my karma. Do you know what karma means?
Andrew: Yeah.
Richard Swersey: It means that she owes me one.

Ask her if she likes baloney.

Untitled: Are you touching yourself?
NightWarrior: [looks down at fingertips touching on edge of desk] Yes.

Sylvie: Soup won't be computerized.
Housewares Saleswoman: Why's that?
Sylvie: It's a liquid.

[after taking off the bandage from his hand] It needs air. It needs to do some living. Let's take my hand for a walk.

Michael: I just wish I had met her 50 years sooner.
Christine Jesperson: Yeah.
Michael: But then maybe I needed 70 years of life to be ready for a woman like Ellen.

Call me, if you ever feel too old to drive.

Sylvie: You want to be a little bird and get a little worm? Just lie down and peep.
Robby: Peep, peep, peep.

Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life, You're just going to let her go?
Michael: No, she's just going...