Liar Liar quotes

View Quote (Shouting at a client on the phone) Stop breaking the law, asshole!

View Quote Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?

View Quote Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

View Quote Miranda: [about Mr. Allen] Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a ****, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
Fletcher: [talking to each member in turn] You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUUUUUUUTTT! [points at Miranda]
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!

View Quote From the outtakes
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: OVERACTOR!
Fletcher: JEZEBEL!
Jim Carrey: Oh no, they're on to me!

View Quote I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to completely phase myself out is almost complete!

View Quote Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message? [yells] Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!

View Quote [To his ex-wife's partner] Jerry? Enjoy my wife? Eh? Ahhh! [nods knowingly]

View Quote [Leaving a lift full of people grimacing] It was me!

View Quote Oh God, how am I going to get out of this? Think...Think [bashes his head on the wall] Oww-ee [he thinks] Oww-ee! [proceeds to beat himself up]

View Quote What is WRONG with me? I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...

View Quote [After being tossed out of the office following sexual encouter] I've had better!?

View Quote The pen is blue! The pen is blue! The Goddamn pen is blue!

View Quote Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!

View Quote The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.