Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

41 total quotes (ID: 787)

Count Olaf
Klaus Baudelaire
Lemony Snicket
Violet Baudelaire


Hello, hello, hello.


I'm sorry... I don't speak monkeyish.

Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the earth! [starts acting like a dinosaur and making dinosaur sounds]

(To the children) You're not afraid of heights are you? (Points to Sunny and laughs) Imagine that: a monkey afraid of heights!

I realize that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be quite charming once it's finished. (Leans forward menacingly) Shall we take a look?

Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.

Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremly unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have just perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.
Lemony Snicket: "If you have already lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't? You can't possible imagine."
Count Olaf: Ah! My dear...(looks at stick figures of the children with names on his hands) Violet. Au' chan terr?
Violet: How do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus. (grabs Klaus' face, and looks at each side of it) Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. (begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip, then notices Sunny) And, uh...what is this?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm Sunny.
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak... *monkey*! (Mimicing a baby) Banana?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm *not* a monkey!

Klaus: You're not getting a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really? Says who?
Klaus: The law. Look it up!

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): (to Violet) Are you jigging, me girl? (to Aunt Josephine) Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.
Aunt Josephine: It is?
Sunny: (baby talk) Is she desperate?
Count Olaf: It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good gammar, the whole darn shooting match could go arse over tea kettle.
Aunt Josephine: Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
Count Olaf: I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am.

There's always something

Now, now. Let's keep our heads here. If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

And I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

You are so deceased!

Do you have a hall pass? I didn't think so.

I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

(While showing the children his house) The kitchen! I know what you're thinking: "This place could use a little TLC". I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.