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Ed Wood

Ed Wood quotes

46 total quotes

Criswell: Can your heart stand the true facts of the shocking story... of Edward D. Wood, Junior? [from opening monologue]

Ed Wood: Is there a script?
George Weiss: ****, no. But there's a poster. [he holds up a movie poster for "I Changed My Sex"]

Weiss: On the phone you said you had some "special qualifications"?
Ed: Mister Weiss... I have never told anyone what I'm about to tell you. But I really want this job. [pauses, takes a deep breath] I like to wear women's clothing.
Weiss: You're a fruit?
Ed: No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
Weiss: You're not a fruit?
Ed: No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W. Two. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.

[Bela Lugosi is trying on coffins.]
Bela Lugosi: Too constrictive! I can't even fold my arms.
Coffin Salesman: Gee, Mister Lugosi, I-I've never had any complaints.
Bela: This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in. Your selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time!

Ed Wood: Mister Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?
Bela: I'm planning on dying soon.
Ed: No!
Bela: Yes. I'm embarking on another truck and bus tour of "Dracula". Twelve cities in ten days, if that's concievable.

Ed: You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movies.
Bela: Thank you.

Bela Lugosi: I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.
Ed Wood: Well... I have a car.

Ed Wood: Boy, Mister Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
Bela: I have no next picture.
Ed: You gotta be joking. A big star like you? You must have dozens of 'em lined up.
Bela: In the old days, yes. Now, no one gives two ****s for Bela.

Bela: This business, this town... it chews you up and spits you out. I'm just an ex-boogeyman.

Ed Wood: Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?
George Weiss: Tits.
Ed: No, better than that. A star!
Weiss: Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures, I make crap.
Ed: Yes — but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something!
Weiss: Yeah. Crap with a star.

Weiss: All right, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.
Ed: Oh... oh, Mister Weiss, thank you so much! You won't regret it! I won't let you down!

[Dolores comes out of the bedroom to find Ed dressed in drag.]
Dolores Fuller: So that's where my sweater's been.

[Ed and Bela are watching Vampira's TV show.]
Ed Wood: Oh, I hate it when she interrupts the picture. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.
Bela Lugosi: I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs!

[Bela is doing his trademark "hypnotic" hand gesture.]
Ed Wood: My gosh, Bela, how do you do that?
Bela Lugosi: You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.

[Bela arrives while Ed is on the phone with Bunny Breckinridge.]
Bela Lugosi: Eddie, you got me a new picture, eh?
Ed Wood: Yes. It's gonna be a great picture and you'll love your character. Have a seat. [back on phone] Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go. Listen, work some parties, hit the bars, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! All right. Bye. [hangs up]
Bela: Eddie... what kind of a movie is this?