Patches O'Houlihan quotes

I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy! I'm Patches O'Houlihan, and I'm your new coach.

[When questioned on learning how to dodge balls] That's what this sack of wrenches is for. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball! [Throws wrench at Justin, hitting him square in the face] Any other questions?

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!

Just remember the five D's of dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and... Dodge.

Holy hell son, you're about as useful as a ****-flavoured lollipop!

Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No! But I do it anyway, cause it's sterile and I like the taste.

Oh my sweet dick, it's magic!

Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you.

If you want dodgeball victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!

Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here.

And can someone catch a god-damn ball! It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to **** a doorknob out there!

[Deep breath in] I love the smell of queef in the morning!

I've got some hookers in my room... wanna go celebrate? My treat!

Suit yourself, queer! [when Peter declines the above offer]

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

Come on! I've seen better runs in my shorts!

They're too good and you suck something awful.

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