Mr. Parker
You used up all the glue on purpose!
Most-quoted character in A Christmas Story (1983): in 18 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Ralphie (6), Mrs. Parker (5), Randy (2)
You filthy... [cursing] ...dumb, frattin', housesnickle viper!
More lines from Mr. Parker
8 quotes
Mr. Parker
NADDAFINGA!! (Not a finger!!)
Mr. Parker
That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mr. Parker
Aha aha, it's a clinkerrrrrrr!!! That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit! [Goes down stairs; falling sound is heard] Damn skates! [Coughs] Who the hell turned it all the way down?! AGAIN?!!!
Mr. Parker
SONS O'BITCHES! BUMPUSSES!!!
Mr. Parker
(Reading sign on wooden crate)
Fraa - geel- ay. It must be Italian!
Mr. Parker
(After the Bumpus hounds steal the Parkers' turkey)
All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
Mr. Parker
It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see, it's smiling at me.
Scenes with Mr. Parker
9 scenes
Mr. Parker
What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker
How the hell did you know that?
Mother Everybody knows that!
Mother Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
Mr. Parker
Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.
Mother What is it this time?
Mr. Parker
Name the great characters in American literature.
Mr. Parker
Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker
[stunned]
WHAT did you say?
Uh, um...
Mr. Parker
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
Mr. Parker
It's a clinker! That blasted, stupid funace.
Mr. Parker
[walks down the stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
Dadgummit! Damn skates! For Christ's sake, open up the damper, will you? Who the hell turned it all the way down again? Ah, blasted! You beast!
Ralphie (as an adult)
In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
Mr. Parker
Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on. [mispronouncing] Uh, "fra-gee-lay." It must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker
I think that says "fragile", honey.
Mr. Parker
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Ralphie (as an adult)
[hammer tapping and crowbar breaks at once]
Holy smokes, it was 6:45. Only one thing could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleamed in the window.
Radio
Who's the little chatterbox the one with pretty auburn locks? Who do you see? It's little orphan Annie!
Ralphie (as an adult)
:[The song is heard from outside.] Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. Brought to by rich, chocolatey ovaltine. I could still taste it.
Mr. Parker
Hey, you turned the light off!
Old Man
There we got it! [Laughs happily.]
Ralphie as Adult
[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it] [narrating]
Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
Mr. Parker
[stunned]
What did you say?
Uh, um--
Mr. Parker
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
Mrs. Parker
[Ralphie gets into the car.]
Everything go alright?
Mr. Parker
[Ralphie doesn't answer.] [closes the trunk and checks his watch]
Ah!
Mrs. Parker
[Ralphie watches Mr. Parker get into the car]
8 minutes.
Mr. Parker
You know what your son just said?
Mrs. Parker
No. What?
Mr. Parker
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
Mrs. Parker
[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.] [shocked]
RALPHIE!
Ralphie as Adult
[Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him] [narrating]
Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
Mrs. Parker
You ready to tell me?
[mumbles and nods his head.]
Mrs. Parker
[removes soap from his mouth]
All right. Where did you hear that word?
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
Schwartz!
Mrs. Parker
[suspiciously]
Oh. I see. [she grimly puts the bar of soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
[yells indistinctly with soap in his mouth]
Mrs. Parker
[dials Mrs. Schwartz]
Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[indistinguishable]
Mrs. Parker
No. He said... [inaudibly whispers what her son said into the phone]
Mrs. Parker
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Parker
No! He heard it from your son!
What?! WHAT?!! WHAT?!! [is heard in the background smacking her son, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
[screams]
What'd I do, Mom?! What?! I didn't do nothin'! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls over the phone, and Mrs. Parker, visibly shocked by what she just heard, hangs up the phone.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrates]
Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
Mrs. Parker
Oh, dear. [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it! [the door closes off-camera, she sighs, curiously looks at the soap, and slowly puts it in her own mouth, then takes it out in disgust]] Ew! [spits into the sink]
Ralphie as Adult
[Ralphie is lying in bed, eyes open, his cheeks stained with tears, silently crying and thinking] [narrating]
Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. There has never been a kid who didn't believe, vaguely but insistently, that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry. [Ralphie’s bottom lip goes out.]
Mrs. Parker
[Ralphie begins to imagine a scenario where he has gone blind, returning home with a cane and a pair of sunglasses, knocking on the door with the cane]
Why, it's Ralph!
Mr. Parker
Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
Mrs. Parker
Why... he's carrying a cane!
Mr. Parker
What is it, Ralph? What happened?
Mrs. Parker
Why he's... blind!
Mr. Parker
Blind? Oh, my God!
Ralphie!
Mrs. Parker
Ralph, is this something WE did?
Mr. Parker
What brought you to this lowly state?
Mrs. Parker
Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
Look, I can't.
Mrs. Parker
Oh, please, Ralph.
Mr. Parker
Please.
Mrs. Parker
I must know what we did. What brought you to this?!
Mr. Parker
Please.
Mrs. Parker
Please... Please?
It... it- it was...
Mrs. Parker
Yes? ...Yes?
Soap... poisoning! [The Old Man repeats it to himself quietly.]
Mr. Parker
[Mr. & Mrs. Parker begin wailing]
How could we do it?
Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
Mrs. Parker
I'll never forgive myself.
Thanks, Mom. [She nods.]
Mr. Parker
I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!
[Ralphie smiles as his parents continue to wail. Back in reality, he smiles in bed.]
Mr. Parker
That's fine. Now, wait a minute. All right. Pull her in!
Mrs. Parker
It is.
Mr. Parker
Well, the green string is out.
Mrs. Parker
No, the green is on.
It's the blue that's out.
Mrs Parker
All right, boys. Upstairs.
Mr. Parker
[admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap]
My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
Not me.
Mr. Parker
Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
Well, he can do it again.
Mr. Parker
You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
Yeah.
Mrs. Parker
No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Yeah, pretty nice.
Mr. Parker
Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
Mr. Parker
Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
Yep.
Mr. Parker
[feigns a surprised look]
Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?
Where?
Mr. Parker
Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
Mrs. Parker
[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]
What did we put over there, honey?
Mr. Parker
[stammers]
Uh, Santa Claus probably put it.
[opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun]
WOW!
[Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun] Ralphie as an Adult [narrating] Oh it was beautiful, I could hardly wait to try it out.
Mr. Parker
[laughs]
Do you know how to load it?
Yeah. [loads gun]
Mr. Parker
C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
Mr. Parker
Sure.
Mrs. Parker
[reluctantly]
Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
Mr. Parker
But...I had one when I was eight years old.
Mrs. Parker
What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
Mr. Parker
Except the Bumpuses' dogs!
Mrs. Parker
Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!
Mr. Parker
[Opening his gift, almost as happy]
A can of Simoniz!