Ralphie: [after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!

Randy: I can't get up! Ralphie, I can't get up!!

Randy: I can't put my arms down!

Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beetloaf. I hate meatloaf.

Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.

Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (singing) Deck the hor with Bar of horey, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! Tis the season to be jarry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!

Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a triple-dare-you, and then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare-you and going right for the throat!

Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that!
Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.
Mother: What is it this time?
Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.
Mr. Parker: Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] WHAT did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

(After the Bumpus hounds steal the Parkers' turkey) All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.

(Reading sign on wooden crate) Fraa - geel- ay. It must be Italian!

Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! SO HELP ME GOD, YELLOW EYES!!

[After Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently.

[as he is going "furnace fighting"] You filthy... [cursing] ...dumb, frattin', housesnickle viper!