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Dave: Everybody cheats. I just didn't know.

Mike: They're gonna keep callin' us "cutters." To them, it's just a dirty word. To me, it's just somethin' else I never got a chance to be.

Evelyn Stoller: [Dave crosses himself on learning of Team Cinzano's imminent arrival] Oh, Dave, try not to become Catholic on us.

Suzy: [On the phone] Oh, Hi Rod. I just wanted you to know that there's some guy outside with a guitar serenading Kath!

Cyril: Hey! Are you really gonna shave your legs?
Dave: Certo! All the Italians do it.
Mike: Ah. Some country. The women don't shave theirs.

Moocher: Hey, come on in, Dave.
Dave: Nah, I read where this Italian coach said its no good to go swimmin' right after a race.
Mike: Who's swimmin'? I'm takin' a leak.

Raymond: God-damned see-thru coffee!
Evelyn: [about Dave] He was very sickly until he started riding around on that bicycle.
Raymond: Yeah... well... now his body's fine, but his mind is gone.

Raymond: [about Dave] He's never tired. He's never miserable.
Evelyn: He's young.
Raymond: When I was young I was tired and miserable.

Dave: Buon giorno, papa!
Raymond: I'm not "papa." I'm your god-damned father.

Evelyn: What's the matter?
Raymond: He's shavin'.
Evelyn: Well... so what?
Raymond: ...his legs.

Raymond: What are we gonna do about him?
Evelyn: I don't know dear. We could always strangle him while he's asleep.

Raymond: What is this?
Evelyn: It's sauteed zucchini.
Raymond: It's I-tey food. I don't want no I-tey food.
Evelyn: It's not. I got it at the A&P. It's like... squash.
Raymond: I know I-tey food when I hear it! It's all them "eenie" foods... zucchini... and linguini... and fettuccine. I want some American food, dammit! I want French fries!

Mike: That's the place to be right there, Wyoming! Nothin' but prairies and mountains and nobody around. All you need is your bed roll and a good horse.
Cyril: Don't forget your toothbrush! You're still in your cavity-prone years.

Mike: You want to tell me who did it?
Cyril: It was dark... All I can tell your for sure is that they all wore Brut after-shave and reeked of Lavoris.

Dave: Did you ever go to confession?
Moocher: Twice.
Dave: Did it make you feel better?
Moocher: Once.

Moocher: [as they go for a marriage license] I wonder if I have to have a job to qualify.
Nancy: I don't think so. I think it's mostly blood and relatives that they're interested in.
Moocher: Blood and relatives... well, that's great. I got both of them.

Raymond: You guys still go swimmin' in the quarries?
Dave: Sure.
Raymond: So, the only thing you got to show for my 20 years of work is the holes we left behind?

Raymond: If you eat so much, Moocher, how come you're so damned small?
Moocher: Oh... It's my metabolism. I eat 3 times a day and my metabolism eats 5 times a day.

Dave: You mean we might be a father?
Raymond: No. I might be a father. And your mom might be a mother. And YOU might be a brother. See, that way I keep it all in the family.
Moocher: Wow! Hey, I didn't think people your age...
Raymond: The next word may be your last, kid!

Mike's Brother: How are you fellas doing?
Cyril: Well, we're a little disturbed by the situation in the Middle East, but other than that...

Moocher: [looking at Dave's beat up bike] Doesn't look that bad to me...
Dave: That's cause you don't have to ride it!
Moocher: Well, you know, you don't have to ride it either, Dave. We're not gonna beg you.
Cyril: We may plead, but we would never beg!

Mike: [after discovering that the college kids beat Cyril up] They want a fight, we'll give 'em a fight.
Cyril: We rednecks are few... college paleface students are many. I counsel peace.

Nancy: You know what?
Moocher: No, what?
Nancy: I'm leaving home, that's what.
Moocher: What?

Moocher: [watching the college kids on campus] Sure look like they've got it made.
Mike: That's because they're rich.
Dave: Italians are poor, but they're happy.
Mike: Yeah? Maybe in Italy.

Dave: You hear from your folks, Mooch?
Moocher: Yeah, my dad called. He wanted to know if the house was sold. He could use the money something fierce.
Dave: Well, you can come and live with me when it's sold. In Italy, everybody lives together.
Moocher: [laughs] Since you won that Italian bike, man, you've been acting weird. You're really getting to think you're Italian, aren't you?
Cyril: I wouldn't mind thinking I was someone myself.

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