Dave: Everybody cheats. I just didn't know.

Evelyn Stoller: [Dave crosses himself on learning of Team Cinzano's imminent arrival] Oh, Dave, try not to become Catholic on us.

Mike: They're gonna keep callin' us "cutters." To them, it's just a dirty word. To me, it's just somethin' else I never got a chance to be.

Suzy: [On the phone] Oh, Hi Rod. I just wanted you to know that there's some guy outside with a guitar serenading Kath!

Cyril: Hey! Are you really gonna shave your legs?
Dave: Certo! All the Italians do it.
Mike: Ah. Some country. The women don't shave theirs.

Dave: Buon giorno, papa!
Raymond: I'm not "papa." I'm your god-damned father.

Dave: Did you ever go to confession?
Moocher: Twice.
Dave: Did it make you feel better?
Moocher: Once.

Dave: You hear from your folks, Mooch?
Moocher: Yeah, my dad called. He wanted to know if the house was sold. He could use the money something fierce.
Dave: Well, you can come and live with me when it's sold. In Italy, everybody lives together.
Moocher: [laughs] Since you won that Italian bike, man, you've been acting weird. You're really getting to think you're Italian, aren't you?
Cyril: I wouldn't mind thinking I was someone myself.

Dave: You mean we might be a father?
Raymond: No. I might be a father. And your mom might be a mother. And YOU might be a brother. See, that way I keep it all in the family.
Moocher: Wow! Hey, I didn't think people your age...
Raymond: The next word may be your last, kid!

Evelyn: What's the matter?
Raymond: He's shavin'.
Evelyn: Well... so what?
Raymond: ...his legs.

Mike's Brother: How are you fellas doing?
Cyril: Well, we're a little disturbed by the situation in the Middle East, but other than that...

Mike: [after discovering that the college kids beat Cyril up] They want a fight, we'll give 'em a fight.
Cyril: We rednecks are few... college paleface students are many. I counsel peace.

Mike: That's the place to be right there, Wyoming! Nothin' but prairies and mountains and nobody around. All you need is your bed roll and a good horse.
Cyril: Don't forget your toothbrush! You're still in your cavity-prone years.

Mike: You want to tell me who did it?
Cyril: It was dark... All I can tell your for sure is that they all wore Brut after-shave and reeked of Lavoris.

Moocher: [as they go for a marriage license] I wonder if I have to have a job to qualify.
Nancy: I don't think so. I think it's mostly blood and relatives that they're interested in.
Moocher: Blood and relatives... well, that's great. I got both of them.