Raymond: God-damned see-thru coffee!
Evelyn: [about Dave] He was very sickly until he started riding around on that bicycle.
Raymond: Yeah... well... now his body's fine, but his mind is gone.

Raymond: [about Dave] He's never tired. He's never miserable.
Evelyn: He's young.
Raymond: When I was young I was tired and miserable.

Dave: Buon giorno, papa!
Raymond: I'm not "papa." I'm your god-damned father.

Evelyn: What's the matter?
Raymond: He's shavin'.
Evelyn: Well... so what?
Raymond: ...his legs.

Raymond: What are we gonna do about him?
Evelyn: I don't know dear. We could always strangle him while he's asleep.

Raymond: What is this?
Evelyn: It's sauteed zucchini.
Raymond: It's I-tey food. I don't want no I-tey food.
Evelyn: It's not. I got it at the A&P. It's like... squash.
Raymond: I know I-tey food when I hear it! It's all them "eenie" foods... zucchini... and linguini... and fettuccine. I want some American food, dammit! I want French fries!

Mike: That's the place to be right there, Wyoming! Nothin' but prairies and mountains and nobody around. All you need is your bed roll and a good horse.
Cyril: Don't forget your toothbrush! You're still in your cavity-prone years.

Mike: You want to tell me who did it?
Cyril: It was dark... All I can tell your for sure is that they all wore Brut after-shave and reeked of Lavoris.

Dave: Did you ever go to confession?
Moocher: Twice.
Dave: Did it make you feel better?
Moocher: Once.

Moocher: [as they go for a marriage license] I wonder if I have to have a job to qualify.
Nancy: I don't think so. I think it's mostly blood and relatives that they're interested in.
Moocher: Blood and relatives... well, that's great. I got both of them.

Raymond: You guys still go swimmin' in the quarries?
Dave: Sure.
Raymond: So, the only thing you got to show for my 20 years of work is the holes we left behind?

Raymond: If you eat so much, Moocher, how come you're so damned small?
Moocher: Oh... It's my metabolism. I eat 3 times a day and my metabolism eats 5 times a day.

Dave: You mean we might be a father?
Raymond: No. I might be a father. And your mom might be a mother. And YOU might be a brother. See, that way I keep it all in the family.
Moocher: Wow! Hey, I didn't think people your age...
Raymond: The next word may be your last, kid!

Mike's Brother: How are you fellas doing?
Cyril: Well, we're a little disturbed by the situation in the Middle East, but other than that...

Moocher: [looking at Dave's beat up bike] Doesn't look that bad to me...
Dave: That's cause you don't have to ride it!
Moocher: Well, you know, you don't have to ride it either, Dave. We're not gonna beg you.
Cyril: We may plead, but we would never beg!