Beavis and Butthead Do America quotes
53 total quotes
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Butt-head: Uh, do you know where Washington is?
Petrified Forest Recording: [Pointing to the desert] Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.
Beavis: Thanks.
Agent Flemming: Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried to stop them.
Park Ranger: The most dangerous guys in America? No, thank you. I make $9.00 an hour.
Agent Flemming: National Security is the responsibility of every American. Bork...
Agent Bork: Cavity search?
Agent Flemming: Deep and hard.
Agent Bork: Agent Hurly.
Agent Flemming: They're not gonna get away this time. I want roadblocks every road out of here for 200 miles.
Petrified Forest Recording: [Pointing to the desert] Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.
Beavis: Thanks.
Agent Flemming: Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried to stop them.
Park Ranger: The most dangerous guys in America? No, thank you. I make $9.00 an hour.
Agent Flemming: National Security is the responsibility of every American. Bork...
Agent Bork: Cavity search?
Agent Flemming: Deep and hard.
Agent Bork: Agent Hurly.
Agent Flemming: They're not gonna get away this time. I want roadblocks every road out of here for 200 miles.
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Bill Clinton: In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Butt-head: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?
Beavis: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.
Bill Clinton: Cool, huh?
Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.
Butt-head: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?
Beavis: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.
Bill Clinton: Cool, huh?
Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.
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Agent Fleming: Shut up! You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.
Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
Agent Fleming: That's better. Yes?
Agent Bork: We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank and come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father. Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.
Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
Agent Fleming: That's better. Yes?
Agent Bork: We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank and come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father. Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.
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Butt-head: This is gonna be cool. We're gonna get paid to score.
Beavis: Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes.
Butt-head: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.
Beavis: Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes.
Butt-head: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.
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Agent Bork: They're not on the bus.
Agent Flemming: These people know something. I want full cavity searches--everyone. Go deep on 'em
Agent Bork: Agent Hurly.
Agent Flemming: I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart, damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now.
Agent Flemming: These people know something. I want full cavity searches--everyone. Go deep on 'em
Agent Bork: Agent Hurly.
Agent Flemming: I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart, damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now.
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Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam? You know, god damn. You know?
Hoover Dam Guide: If you'll follow me this way.
Butt-head: This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Beavis: Yeah. Enough of this crap. Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head, TV!
Butt-head: Cool.
Man #1: I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?
Man #2: All right.
Agent Flemming: Talk to me, Bork.
Agent Bork: Chief, we found a witness that says he saw 2 teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Agent Flemming: Did you give him a full cavity search?
Agent Bork: Uh... the witness?
Agent Flemming: Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.
Agent Bork: Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here. Have a look.
Agent Flemming: What the hell?
Agent Bork: They look like a couple of kids, Chief.
Agent Flemming: Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? What the...?
Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam? You know, god damn. You know?
Hoover Dam Guide: If you'll follow me this way.
Butt-head: This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Beavis: Yeah. Enough of this crap. Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head, TV!
Butt-head: Cool.
Man #1: I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?
Man #2: All right.
Agent Flemming: Talk to me, Bork.
Agent Bork: Chief, we found a witness that says he saw 2 teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Agent Flemming: Did you give him a full cavity search?
Agent Bork: Uh... the witness?
Agent Flemming: Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.
Agent Bork: Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here. Have a look.
Agent Flemming: What the hell?
Agent Bork: They look like a couple of kids, Chief.
Agent Flemming: Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? What the...?
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Butt-head: All they have is these shows about water.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Maybe need some shows about fire.
Butt-head: What are you doing, Beavis?
Beavis: Something's wrong with my butt.
Butt-head: Your butt sucks.
Beavis: Hey, how come there's no sound?
Butt-head: I'll fix it.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Maybe need some shows about fire.
Butt-head: What are you doing, Beavis?
Beavis: Something's wrong with my butt.
Butt-head: Your butt sucks.
Beavis: Hey, how come there's no sound?
Butt-head: I'll fix it.
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[Getting back on the bus]
Butt-head: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Beavis: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Dallas Grimmes: You boys better show up.
Agent Flemming: Do you see what I see, Bork?
Agent Bork: I see it. I just don't get it.
Agent Flemming: You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?
Agent Bork: Cut to power!
Agent Flemming: Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion: terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Agent Bork: Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon - a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man. It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group army recruits. Look at these guys, Chief. This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.
Agent Flemming: Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
Agent Bork: It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.
Agent Flemming: OK, people, as of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
Butt-head: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Beavis: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Dallas Grimmes: You boys better show up.
Agent Flemming: Do you see what I see, Bork?
Agent Bork: I see it. I just don't get it.
Agent Flemming: You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?
Agent Bork: Cut to power!
Agent Flemming: Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion: terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Agent Bork: Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon - a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man. It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group army recruits. Look at these guys, Chief. This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.
Agent Flemming: Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
Agent Bork: It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.
Agent Flemming: OK, people, as of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
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Muddy: You guys are late.
Butt-head: Really? Did we miss Baywatch?
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]
Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?
Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.
Beavis: Oh, I'm Beavis.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy. Now, look, I'm gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
Butt-head: Uh, do her?
Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
Beavis: Really? Cool.
Butt-head: Uh, we'll do it, sir.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, all right, then. Let's get down to business. [showing a photo of Dallas] Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. You gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
Butt-head: Whoa. Uh huh huh huh. Cool.
Muddy Grimmes: She's holed up in her room in Las Vegas. I got you a room right next to hers. Your flight leaves in an hour. Come on. I'll drive you to the airport.
Butt-head: Really? Did we miss Baywatch?
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]
Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?
Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.
Beavis: Oh, I'm Beavis.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy. Now, look, I'm gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
Butt-head: Uh, do her?
Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
Beavis: Really? Cool.
Butt-head: Uh, we'll do it, sir.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, all right, then. Let's get down to business. [showing a photo of Dallas] Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. You gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
Butt-head: Whoa. Uh huh huh huh. Cool.
Muddy Grimmes: She's holed up in her room in Las Vegas. I got you a room right next to hers. Your flight leaves in an hour. Come on. I'll drive you to the airport.
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Muddy: Now, you listen to me, and this is real important. My wife's got this leather satchel. It's a black bag about this big. I need you to bring it back, boys. Sentimental value, you know what I mean? Any questions so far?
Butt-head: Uh, does she have big hooters?
Muddy Grimmes: Heh heh. Yeah, she sure does. Ha ha...
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
Beavis: Y-Y-Yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oing.
Muddy Grimmes: Heh heh heh... Hey, you guys are funny. Let's have a drink on it, eh? Now, don't let me down.
Butt-head: Uh, does she have big hooters?
Muddy Grimmes: Heh heh. Yeah, she sure does. Ha ha...
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
Beavis: Y-Y-Yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oing.
Muddy Grimmes: Heh heh heh... Hey, you guys are funny. Let's have a drink on it, eh? Now, don't let me down.
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Tom Anderson: Boy, I tell you what, it really makes ya proud. I could stay in here all day.
FBI Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
FBI Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
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Agent Flemming: Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.
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Man: Where the hell is he?
Earl Hofert: You sure this is the right place? Your Muddy?
Muddy Grimes: What are you, the cops?
Earl Hofert: Uh, no. Earl sent us. You know, to take care of your wife.
Muddy Grimes: What? Take care... What the hell are you talkin' about? Who were those other two clowns?
Earl Hofert: Huh?
Muddy Grimes: Aghh... god damn it! She did it to me again! I'm gonna go to Vegas, and I'm gonna kill all three of them!
Earl Hofert: Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You want to buy a new one? Just leave it. Worthless piece of crap.
Man: Yeah, really, man. We gotta start stealin' from rich people.
Earl Hofert: You sure this is the right place? Your Muddy?
Muddy Grimes: What are you, the cops?
Earl Hofert: Uh, no. Earl sent us. You know, to take care of your wife.
Muddy Grimes: What? Take care... What the hell are you talkin' about? Who were those other two clowns?
Earl Hofert: Huh?
Muddy Grimes: Aghh... god damn it! She did it to me again! I'm gonna go to Vegas, and I'm gonna kill all three of them!
Earl Hofert: Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You want to buy a new one? Just leave it. Worthless piece of crap.
Man: Yeah, really, man. We gotta start stealin' from rich people.
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Ranger at Old Faithful: There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet.
Butt-head: So?
Ranger at Old Faithful: The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.
Beavis: That's not that much, really.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
Butt-head: So?
Ranger at Old Faithful: The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.
Beavis: That's not that much, really.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.