Joe Cooper: With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!
Jenna Reed: That's kidneys, Coop.

Joe Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.
Kenny Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!
Joe Cooper: Right, so just shoot for it. And if you get it in, you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.
Kenny Scolari: Or bitch.
Doug Remer & Joe Cooper: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.
Kenny Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.
Joe Cooper: Steve Perry.
Kenny Scolari: Huh?
[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]
Doug Remer: Tough break, Squeak.
Joe Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.
[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Kenny Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!
Joe Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.
Doug Remer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.
Kenny Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

Referee 1: What's the matter with Coop?
Referee 2: I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater!

Robert Stack: The police have pieced together numerous theories on Coop's whereabouts.
Doug Remer: I have no fucking clue where the hell he is. For all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his fucking closet!
Robert Stack: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.
Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for where the most heinous, vile, horrible exploitation of children takes place.
Robert Stack: Scenario Two: Coop is at Disney Land.

Surgeon: Has there been a rise in his fluid intake? SWEET JESUS! His sodium levels are through the roof!
Surgery Nurse: I don't get it. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]
Vagina!
If I had a nickel for every time that ball saved me, I'd have a shitload of nickels!

[in Cartman's voice]
Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm fuckin' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck.
[with Australian accent] How to speak San Franciscan?

[Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]
Doug Remer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!
Kenny Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

[standing at the front door]
Joe Cooper: It's Coop and Remer.
Doug Remer: We graduated with Britney.
Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?
Joe Cooper: Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?
[in the house]
Doug Remer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.
Joe Cooper: Oh hey, Stef!
Stephanie: Coop! Remer!
Joe Cooper: You wanna beer?
Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!
Joe Cooper: Oh, cool.
Stephanie: No, it isn't.
Joe Cooper: Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
“Skidmark” Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?
Joe Cooper: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

[trying to psych out a player in their very first game]
Doug Remer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!
[pulls hairs from mouth]
Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!
Joe Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!
Doug Remer: Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!
[pulls out more hairs from teeth]

Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

I hear your mom's going out with......SQUEAK

Listen to me little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!