The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious - and it goes like this. I'm paraphrasing. I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

Partygoer #1: Right now, it's only a notion. But I think I can get money to make it into a concept. And later turn it into an idea.

Actor Alvy: [in Alvy's play] You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle?
Actor Annie: What is so incredibly great about New York? It's a dying city. You - you read Death in Venice.
Actor Alvy: You didn't read Death in Venice till I gave it to you.
Actor Annie: Well, you only give me books with the word 'death' in the title.
Actor Alvy: It's an important issue.
Actor Annie: Alvy, you are totally incapable of enjoying life. You're like New York. You're an island.
Actor Alvy: OK, if that's all that we've been through together means to you, I guess it's better if we just said goodbye, once and for all! You know, it's funny, after all the serious talks and passionate moments that it ends here - in a health-food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. Goodbye, Sunny.
Actor Annie: Wait! I'm - I'm gonna go with you. I love you.

La-di-da, la-di-da, la la. Note: ranked #55 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film

Allison: I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
Alvy: On what?
Allison: Political commitment in twentieth century literature.
Alvy: You, you, you're like New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, the socialist summer camps and the, the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right, and the really, y'know, strike-oriented kind of, red diaper, stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself.
Allison: No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
Alvy: Right, I'm a bigot, I know, but for the left.

I'm obsessed with uh, with death, I think. Big - big subject with me, yeah. I have a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out. You know, I - I feel that life is - is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know. The - the horrible would be like, um, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life - you should be thankful that you're miserable because you're very lucky to be miserable.

Mrs. Singer: You always only saw the worst in people. You never could get along with anyone in school. You were always out of step with the world. Even when you got famous, you still mistrusted the world.

Schoolboy: I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict.

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art, because it's real difficult in life.

Alvy's analyst: How often do you sleep together?
Annie's analyst: Do you have sex often?
Alvy: Hardly ever, maybe three times a week.
Annie: Constantly, I'd say three times a week.

Alvy: Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me?
Annie: I know, because of our sexual problem, right?
Alvy: Everybody on line at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse?
Annie: You know, you're so ego-centric that if I miss my therapy, you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you!
...
Alvy: What do you mean, our sexual problem? I mean, I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
Annie: OK, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem, OK? My sexual problem. Huh? [A man in front of them in line turns back to look at them, and then turns away]
Alvy: I never read that. That was, that was Henry James, right? Novel, huh, the sequel to The Turn of the Screw, 'My Sexual Problem'?

Schoolgirl: I'm into leather.

Lacey Party Guest: This is Davis ... I forgot my mantra.

Did you go to a rock concert?...Oh yeah really, really? How'd you like it? Was it, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heaviosity?

Alvy (young): What did I do?
Teacher: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Alvy (adult): Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
Teacher: Six year old boys don't have girls on their minds.
Alvy (adult): I did.
Girl: For god's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period.
Alvy (adult): Well I never had a latency period. I can't help it.
Teacher: Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy.