Animal Crackers quotes

View Quote [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Yes, I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life. Well, three anyway. You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette, and that's just the kind of a girl I crave. We three would make an ideal couple. Why, you've got beauty, charm, money. You have got money, haven't you? 'Cause if you haven't, we can quit right now.

View Quote [to audience] Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a tintity voice, reminds me of poor old Moslin. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!

View Quote Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine.

View Quote You think it's a mystery now, wait 'til you see it tomorrow...That's me. Captain Yard of Scotland Spaulding. I always get my women or painting.

View Quote [to the audience] Well, all the jokes can't be good! You've got to expect that once in a while.

View Quote Horatio Jamison: [singing, about Capt. Spaulding] He wants his women young and picked...The men must all be very old, the women warm, the champagne cold.

View Quote Signor Emanuel Ravelli: [about playing bridge] How do you want to play...honest?

View Quote Mrs. Rittenhouse: I wish you'd get Johnny Parker out of your mind and show more respect to Mr. Chandler. The trouble with you is, you don't take these social affairs seriously.
Arabella: What would you suggest, Mom? Suicide?

View Quote Guests: Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!
Spaulding: Did someone call me schnorrer?
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Jamison: He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.
Spaulding: If I stay here, I'll go nuts.
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray! He put all his reliance / In courage and defiance / And risked his life for science.
Spaulding: Hey, hey!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: He is the only white man who covered every acre...
Spaulding: I think I'll try and make her...
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!

View Quote Spaulding: What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That's-a fifteen dollars an hour...That's-a for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we a-don't play, and if we don't play [he snaps his finger] - that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let's see how-a we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn't come. [To Mrs. Rittenhouse] You remember, yesterday we didn't come?
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yes, that's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars?
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that's reasonable. I can see that alright.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That's-a [pause]..
Spaulding: That's a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about...
Spaulding:One million dollars.

View Quote Spaulding: [to audience] Here I am talkin' of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods looked down and laughed. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach. [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Well, what do you say, girls? What do you say? Are we all gonna get married?
Mrs. Rittenhouse: All of us?
Spaulding: All of us!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: But that's bigamy!
Spaulding: Yes, and that's big-a-me, too...It's big of all of us. Let's be big for a change. I'm sick of these conventional marriages! One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think, think of the honeymoon, strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two but no men. I may not go myself.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Are you suggesting companionate marriage?
Spaulding: Well, it's got its advantages. You could live with your folks and I could live with your folks. [To Mrs. Whitehead] And you, you could sell Fuller Brushes.

View Quote Spaulding: Yes, I've heard about you for a great many years, Mr. Chandler, and I'm getting pretty darn sick of it, too.
Chandler: Quite naturally, I have also heard of the great Captain Spaulding.
Spaulding: Well, that's fine. I've heard of you and you've heard of me. Now have you ever heard the one about the two Irishmen?
Chandler: Oh yes, ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, now that I've got you in hysterics, let's get down to business. My name is Spaulding, Captain Spaulding.
Chandler: I am Roscoe W. Chandler.
Spaulding: And I am Jeffrey T. Spaulding. I betcha don't know what the 'T' stands for?
Chandler: Uh, Thomas?
Spaulding: Edgar. You were close though. You were close, though, and you still are, I'll bet. Now this is what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Chandler. How would you like to finance a scientific expedition?
Chandler: Well, that is a question.
Spaulding: Yes, that is a question. You certainly know a question when you see it. I congratulate you...there's one thing that I've always wanted to do before I quit.
Chandler: What is that?
Spaulding: Retire. Now, would you be interested in a proposition of that kind? You know, I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science that the world has ever known. This is your chance, Mr. Chandler, when I think of what you have done for this country. And by the way, what have you done for this country?

View Quote Chandler: Well, I've always tried to do what I could, especially in the world of art.
Spaulding: Art. Well, I don't know how we drifted around to that, but what is your opinion of art?
Chandler: I am very glad you asked me!
Spaulding: I withdraw the question! This fellow takes things seriously, it isn't safe to ask him a simple question. Tell me, Mr. Chandler, where are you planning on putting your new opera house?
Chandler: Oh, I thought I should like to put it somewhere near Central Park.
Spaulding: I see. Why don't you put it right in Central Park?
Chandler: Could we do that?
Spaulding: Sure, do it at night when no one is looking. Why don't you put it in the reservoir and get the whole thing over with? Of course, that might interfere with the water supply. But after all we must remember that 'art is art.' Still, on the other hand, water is water, isn't it? And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

View Quote Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, this leaves me speechless.
Spaulding: Well, see that you remain that way.

View Quote Spaulding: I say, take a letter to my lawyers!
Jamison: Well I am taking it!
[long pause, as nothing has yet been written]
Spaulding: Honorable Charles H., uh, Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick... semicolon.
Jamison: How do you spell semicolon?
Spaulding: All right, make it a comma. [pause] Honorable Charles. H. Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick. [pause] Gentlemen, question mark? [grunts]
Jamison: Do you want that, uh, [grunt] in the letter?
Spaulding: No, put that in an envelope. [pause] Now then. In re yours of the fifth inst., yours to hand and beg to rep... brackets...[pause] ... We have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu, that, uh, despite all our... precautionary measures which have been involved... [pause] ...uh, we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment, quotes, unquotes, and quotes... [pause] ...uh, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain...
Jamison: [interrupting] Hoping this finds him where?
Spaulding: Well, let him worry about that. Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison. Sneak. [pause] I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards. That's all, Jamison.