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Animal Crackers

Animal Crackers quotes

34 total quotes

Captain Spaulding
Multiple Characters

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

[singing] Hello, I must be going
I cannot stay
I came to say
I must be going...

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Ever since I've met you, I've swept you off my feet. Something has been throbbing within me, oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you...Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?...It's just my way of telling you that I love you, that's all.

Mrs. Rittenhouse: I'm fascinated.
Spaulding: I'm 'fascinated' too. Right on the arm.

Ravelli: How did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?
Chandler: Say, how did you get to be an Italian?
Ravelli: Never mind that, whose confession is this?

Chandler: In the last analysis, it is a question of money. The nickel today is not what it used to be ten years ago.
Spaulding: Well, I'll go further than that. I'll get off at the depot. The nickel today is not what it was fifteen years ago. Do you know what this country needs today?...A seven-cent nickel. Yessiree, we've been using the five-cent nickel in this country since 1492. Now that's pretty near a hundred years' daylight saving. Now, why not give the seven-cent nickel a chance? If that works out, next year we could have an eight-cent nickel. Think what that would mean. You could go to a newsstand, buy a three-cent newspaper and get the same nickel back again. One nickel carefully used would last a family a lifetime!
Chandler: Captain Spaulding, I think that is a wonderful idea.
Spaulding: You do, huh?
Chandler: Yes.
Spaulding: Then there can't be much to it. Forget about it.

Spaulding: Africa is God's country, and He can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2nd. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once proceeded three hundred miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear. This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on...
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Pardon me. Just a moment, Captain, just a moment. I always thought that polar bears lived in the frozen North.
Spaulding: Oh you did! Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away for the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine. Frozen North, my eye! From the day of our arrival, we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven - this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six thirty. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Smoking some meat?
Spaulding: Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Oh, Captain!
Spaulding: Six of the biggest tigers...
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, did you catch six tigers?
Spaulding: I bagged them. I...I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The Elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an Elk-o-hole. One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks...but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks. Bolded portion is ranked #53 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

Jamison: [reading back the letter] "In care of Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormack..."
Spaulding: You've left out a Hungadunga! You've left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you, eh? All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead. I tell you what you do, Jamison. I tell you what. Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one Hungadunga. They won't all be there when the letter arrives, anyhow.
Jamison: "Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga...and McCormack."
Spaulding: "...and McCormack."
Jamison: "Gentlemen, question mark."
Spaulding: "Gentlemen, Question Mark!!" Put it on the penultimate, not on the dipthonic. You want to brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him!
Jamison: "In re yours of the fifteenth."
Spaulding: I see.
Jamison: Now, uh, you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Well!... [Spaulding swings at his head and misses] Whoa, Captain! Good gracious! Oh, my!
Spaulding: just omitted them, eh? ...You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all. You've just left out the body of the letter, that's all! Yours not to reason why, Jamison! You've left out the body of the letter!...All right, send it that way and tell them the body'll follow.
Jamison: Do you want the body in brackets?
Spaulding: No, it will never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it 'fragilly'.
Jamison: Mark it what?
Spaulding: Mark it 'fragilly.' F - R - A - G...Look it up, Jamison. It's in the dictionary. Look under 'fragile'. Look under the table if you don't find it there.
Jamison: "Quotes, unquotes, and quotes."
Spaulding: That's three quotes?
Jamison: Yes, sir.
Spaulding: Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison?
Jamison: Regards.
Spaulding: Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison, that's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that's all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.

Spaulding: [inspecting the canvas] Say, this is signed Beaugard. There's the criminal, Beaugard.
Arabella: No, Beaugard is dead.
Spaulding: Beaugard is dead! Then it's MURDER! Now we've got something.

Ravelli: Now, what do you say, uh, what do you say, Captain, we build right about here.
Spaulding: Here?
Ravelli: Here, right about here. [pointing to a spot on the table]
Spaulding: Oh, I'd like something over here if I could get it. I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact.
Ravelli: All right, all right. We got something over there. And believe me, that's a-convenient. Oh, that's a-very convenient. Well look, all you gotta do is open the door, step outside, and there you are.
Spaulding: There you are?
Ravelli: Yeah.
Spaulding: There you are where?
Ravelli: Outside.
Spaulding: But suppose you want to get back in again?
Ravelli: You had no right to go out.
Spaulding: Well, don't do anything until I hear from you, will ya? Say, maybe that's the painting down in the cellar.
Ravelli: That's a-no cellar. That's the roof!
Spaulding: That's the roof down there?
Ravelli: Yeah, you see, we keep-a the roof in the basement, so when the rain come, the chimney don't get wet.

Well, what do I owe ya?...What? From Africa to here, a dollar eighty-five? That's an outrage. I told you not to take me through Australia. You know it's all ripped up. You should have come right up the Lincoln Boulevard.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Wait a minute. I think you're right. It is pretty bad. As a matter of fact, it's one of the frowziest looking joints I've ever seen....Where did you get your wallpaper? You're letting this place run down, and what's the result? You're not getting the class of people that you used to. Why, you've got people here now that look like you. Now, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll put up a sign outside - Placed Under New Management. We'll set up a seventy-five-cent meal that will knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge 'em anything we want. Now, sign here and give me your check for fifteen hundred dollars. Now, I want to tell you, madam, that with this insurance policy you are provided for your little ones and for your old age, which will be here in a couple of weeks now - if I'm any judge of horse flesh.

Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.

The gates swung open and a Fig Newton entered.