Richard Nixon: The White House has had no involvement whatever in this particular incident.

Hannah: [to Bernstein] Aw baby, you can get it up... I just wonder if you'll ever be able to get it together.

This is terrific work, if you like rejection.

It's like they taught us at Harvard: few things are as gratifying to the soul as having another man's nuts in a vise.

Goddammit, when is somebody going to go on the record in this story?!...You guys are about to write a story that says the former Attorney General, the highest-ranking law enforcement officer in this country, is a crook! Just be sure you're right...Leave plenty of room for his denial.

Now hold it, hold it. We're about to accuse Mr. Haldeman, who only happens to be the second most important man in America, of conducting a criminal conspiracy from inside the White House. It would be nice if we were right.

I lived here all my life, I got a million contacts, but they're all bus boys and bellhops.

[about Martha Mitchell] I just don't get it; a CREEP secretary being scared, that's one thing. But what does the wife of one of the most powerful men in America have to be afraid of?

Either of you want a drink or should I order? Because--because our cocks are on the chopping block and you've got to be sure that you're not just dealing with people who hate Richard Nixon and want to get him through us. You see, I don't give a shit who's President--I really don't, it's an adversary situation between them and us and it's always gonna be. I never had a closer friend than Jack Kennedy and once I printed something that pissed him off and for seven months I didn't exist.

Segretti: I'm a lawyer, and I'll probably go to jail, and be disbarred, and what did I do that was so awful? None of it was my idea, Carl--I didn't go looking for the job.
Bernstein: Chapin did contact you then?
Segretti: Sure--off the record.
Bernstein: On the orders of Haldeman?
Segretti: I don't know anything about Haldeman, except, Dwight's frightened of him--everybody's frightened of him--Christ, I wish I'd never gotten messed around with this--all I wanna do is sit in the sun; sit, swim, see some girls.
Bernstein: It gets interesting if it was Haldeman, because our word is that when Chapin says something, he's gotten the OK from Haldeman, and when Haldeman says something, he's gotten the OK from the President.
Segretti: Can't help you.
Benrstein: At USC, you had a word for this--screwing up the opposition you all did it at college and called it ratfucking. [Segretti smiles and nods] Ever wonder if Nixon might turn out to be the biggest ratfucker of them all?

At Yale once, they held an auction. There was this woman and her name was Lulu Landis. Her postcards came up for sale. She had 1400 postcards written to her and I'd never heard of her before but I knew I had to have those cards, I had to know why anyone would get so many messages. I paid sixty-five dollars for them... I got all crazy trying to work it out and first it was just a maze but then I found that her husband killed himself in Dayton, and once I had that, it all began to open, an evangelist had come to Dayton and his horses hit Lulu Landis at the corner of 13th and Vermillion and she was paralyzed. Permanently, and her favorite thing til then had been traveling and all her friends, whenever they went anyplace, they wrote her. Those cards, they were her eyes...

As a rough rule of thumb, as far as I can throw Bronco Nagurski, that's how much I trust John Mitchell...

Nixon: [on television] No one in this administration, presently employed, was involved in this very bizarre incident. What really hurts in matters of this sort is not the fact that they occur, because overzealous people in campaigns do things that are wrong. What really hurts is if you try to cover it up.
Woodward: Did he just say what I think he said?
Bernstein: You voted for him.

The head of security for the reelection of a Republican President got caught bugging the national offices of the Democrats? What the hell does that mean?

My first day as a copy boy I was sixteen and wearing my only grown-up suit--it was cream colored. At 2:30 the head copy boy comes running up to me and says, "My God, haven't you washed the carbon paper yet? If it's not washed by three, it'll never by dry for tomorrow." And I said, "Am I supposed to do that?" and he said, "Absolutely, it's crucial." So I run around and grab all the carbon paper from all the desks and take it to the men's room. I'm standing there washing it and it's splashing all over me and the editor comes in to take a leak, and he says, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" And I said, "It's 2:30. I'm washing the carbon paper." Just wanted you to know I've done dumber things than get us lost, that's all.