N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective quotes

30 total quotes

Ace Ventura

[as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm GOING to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!

[pointing his rear at Emilio] Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!

[to Dr. Handly] I'm ready to go in, Coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind. [stands up] I'm going to execute a button-hook pattern, Super Slow-Mo. [Runs forward and collides with Dr. Handy in slow-motion] Lets see the instant replay! [repeats running in reverse]

[to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

Ajuss can't do it Captain! I DON'T... HAVE... the POWER!

Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man! Oh, my god! Einhorn is a man?! [after discovering Einhorn's true identity and remembering being kissed by "her"]

For God's sake's, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a POOL-MAN!

Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?

Ho, ho, fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. (in a Clarence Darrow-like manner) For instance, if you were to look up "Professional Football's All-Time Bonehead Plays", you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen. [takes deep breath, then goes rapidfire] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, seducing his way to the top in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the ENTIRE THING!!! [gasps]

I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor.

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

If the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN!! THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead!! He found Captain Winky!!!

This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [as Tangina Barrons ] I have exorcised the demons. This house is clear. [to Einhorn and the news crew, who denied his theories earlier] Losers? LOSERS! Leh-hoo. Zeh-hers!

Three fifty-one! Three fifty-one! Rover, SIT! HUT! HUT! [mimics being handed a football and dive bombs over some bushes]

Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear.