Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Assholimio... Osodomia...
[Einhorn walks over to Emilio and Ace]
Ace Ventura: HOLY...Testicle Tuesday!
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Ace Ventura: Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure.
[Lois points gun at Ace.]
Lois Einhorn: And what would you know about pressure?
Ace Ventura: Well I have... kissed a man.

Ace Ventura: HDS, sir! And how are you this afternoon- al-righty then. I have a package for you.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely sir. I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form; if you'll just sign here, here and here and print your name here and initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[Shotgun comes out of door, pointing at Ace.]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts!
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air.]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and one HELL of a model American. [takes deep breath]
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?
Ace Ventura: No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir!

Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Dan Marino: You're a weird guy, Ace. Weird guy.

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 9-1-1? Aaal-righty then.

Lois Einhorn: The laces were in! They were IN!
[Lois then shoots one of the TV sets.]

Mr. Shickadance: [speaks from behind Ace] Ventura!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [turns around to face Mr. Shickadance] Oh, I'm sorry sir! You sounded like someone else.

Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Ace Ventura: Hmm, what do you know. They're little footballs.
Mrs. Finkle: Laces out!

Roger Podactor: Who's he?
Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.
[Roger shakes Ace's hand.]
Roger Podactor: Nice to meet you, you were highly recommened by Martha Mertz.
Ace Ventura: Martha Mertz? ...Oh, yeah, the bitch.
Roger Podactor: What?!
Ace Ventura: Pekingnese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]

Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!

Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa Robinson: No, this is...this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?
Melissa Robinson: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald Camp: [nervously] Very well, thank you.
Ace Ventura: [to Melissa] Oh! Look, honey, there's the 'orderves'. [looks suspiciously at Camp]

[Aguado stomps on a cockroach.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.

[after getting attacked by a shark in the restrooms] Do NOT go in there! WOOOO!