Kid: What's wrong with that turtle?
Henry: He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right, Ula?
Ula: What? I don't smoke weed!

[repeated line] There's nothing like a first kiss..

Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?

[to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!

[repeated line] Hi, I'm Tom!

Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.

Can I have one last first kiss?

Sorry I'm not better looking.

[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.
Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?
Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country. [pause] Were you gonna eat that?

[While playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

Aren't you a little old to be having wet dreams... Hi, I'm Tom!

Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.

Shit on your pants??? - so did I

[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car, upsetting Lucy]
Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
Lucy: My grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
Henry: Oh...I'm so sorry...I was just joking around.
Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT! HA HA!