Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.

[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car, upsetting Lucy]
Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
Lucy: My grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
Henry: Oh...I'm so sorry...I was just joking around.
Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT! HA HA!

[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.
Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?
Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country. [pause] Were you gonna eat that?

[While playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

[repeated line] Hi, I'm Tom!

[repeated line] There's nothing like a first kiss..

[to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!

Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.

Aren't you a little old to be having wet dreams... Hi, I'm Tom!

Can I have one last first kiss?

Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?

My shirt size is medium husky.

Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

Shit on your pants??? - so did I

Sorry I'm not better looking.