Well, there's my excuse. I'm late because my tits caught on fire.

Thank God for bar cars.

[After crashing into Lily's wedding cake and ruining it] Don't worry, I'll replace it. Okay?

[Betty is confiscating inappropriate items from Gwen's bag] An eyelash curler? And what am I going to do with that? Stab myself? Curl my tongue to death?

Yeah, I know I drink a lot, I know I do because I'm a writer and that's what I do, I drink. I'm not like those people out there, I can control myself! I can, if - that - if I wanted to, I could, if I wanted. I can! I can!

You know, your carpet is filthy. And I only bring that up because carpet grit's responsible for a lot of major health problems. And that's the last thing that you need around here is a major health problem.

Um, hey, um, listen, about the um, about that uh, jail thing... I-I-I- I can't. I-I I can't go. Um, uh, well, not because I don't want to go, but, um, it, uh, oh God, my hands, you know, they just keep doing that. That's not normal. I just-- there's something wrong with my hands-- um, well, with me. Cause, uh, what kind of person just jumps out of a- what kind of person jumps out of a window, you know? Because she can't sit still, you know? And be alone and, you know, in a room, without-- You know a person should be able to just be alone, right? You know, human beings should be able to just breathe. I can't breathe. And I feel that I think I know-- I think I know that if I go to jail... like this, you know, I'll die, and, uh, I don't wanna die.

I am having a bad day! The worst damn day of my whole damn life! If it is not too much to ask will you all just back the fuck off!

Oh, so our therapist today is a very large, smelly, beast of burden.

I am so tired by the way you people talk. You know, I mean, "one day at a time." What is that? I mean, like two, three days at a time is an option?

I'm not a lesbian!

You don't have to live my shitty little life, and until you do, do not tell me to give up the one person who matters to me, okay! Because, I know, he's not perfect, but he's the one person that will show up, on my birthday, and he'll say, "I'm glad you were born!"

Santa Cruz watcher!

I understand. Marry a cute girl, move to the suburbs, spend your weekends mowing. You'll never want to do coke again.

God, I love afternoons like this. You know what's missing in this afternoon? That I don't have a very dry vodka martini with two olives in a chilled glass. God, I miss that.

Look, I know peoples perceptions of girls who screw other girls' boyfriends. I know what the world's perception is on someone who goes into a bar and realizes five hours later that I've left my three-year-old godson in the back of the car. I mean, people don't like people like that. They don't like-- I don't like people like that.