Zack and Miri Make a Porno quotes

View Quote Brandon: [of Miri's outfit] In L.A., we call that "Nickelodeon chic".
Zack Brown: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?
Brandon: I'm an actor.
Zack Brown: Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon: Thank you.
Zack Brown: ****ing movies!
Brandon: ****ing movies. Pretty much.
Zack Brown: Look at you! Anything I would have seen? What movies?
Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack Brown: All male casts? Like Glengarry Glen Ross, like that?
Brandon: Like "Glen and Gary Suck Ross's Meaty **** and Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth".
Zack Brown: [pause] Is that like a sequel?
Brandon: Sort of. It's a re-imagining.
Zack Brown: Oh, like The Wiz.
Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
Zack Brown: I apologize in advance if I am outta line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon: [smiles] Guilty as charged.

View Quote Lester: Hey Stacey. You like dogs?
Stacey: Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.
Lester: Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.
Stacey: Me too. Except for the dick part because I don't have one but the good part.
Lester: Cool. Well, see ya.
Stacey: Bye.

View Quote Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin' me the ****in' Dutch Rudder . . . shot me down on that, too.
Zack Brown: And a Dutch Rudder is . . . ?
Lester: You don't know what a Dutch Rudder— All right, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm— I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm . . . Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? See, it's like somebody else is jerking you off. And of course, there's the Double Dutch Rudder . . . which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm. Same time! Same time. It's like jerkin' off together, but not gay. [Shakes head.] We're not touchin' dicks! Each other's dicks, anyway; I'm touchin' my own dick. You're workin' it, and I'm lovin' it. It feels good, sir . . . Try me! C'mon!

View Quote Miriam Linky: Nobody wants to see us ****, Zack!
Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY ****. I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting ****ed stupid", I'd be like "Why the **** aren't we watching that right now?"

View Quote Miriam Linky: So... I guess we should do this.
Zack Brown: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Miriam Linky: Stop it. You look good.
Zack Brown: Thanks.
Miriam Linky: So... what about me? How do I look?
Zack Brown: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing.
Miriam Linky: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!

View Quote Miriam Linky: What happened to the water?
Zack Brown: I guess they musta shut it off...
Miriam Linky: Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
Zack Brown: There's poo in there...
Miriam Linky: The back part of the toilet!

View Quote Zack Brown: Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
Delaney: Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.
Miriam Linky: Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.
Delaney: On the other hand, **** my wife.

View Quote Zack Brown: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?
Miriam Linky: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to jack it in our bathroom.
Zack Brown: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to **** it, like a filthy MacGyver!

View Quote Zack Brown: I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miriam Linky: The Dutch Rudder?
Zack Brown: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miriam Linky: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack Brown: Good. I'm getting tired of ****in' the Fleshlight.
Miriam Linky: [laughing] You ****ed it?
Zack Brown: Yeah.
Miriam Linky: What'd it feel like?
Zack Brown: ...****ing a flashlight.

View Quote Zack Brown: I'm gonna **** you with my pecker!
Miriam Linky: Dude... that's really dirty.
Zack Brown: That's too dirty?
Miriam Linky: That offends me.
Zack Brown: Penis?
Miriam Linky: Fine.
Zack Brown: I'm gonna **** you with my penis!

View Quote Zack Brown: I've known her since the first grade, you don't **** someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack Brown: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.

View Quote Zack Brown: Oh, you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life.
Miriam Linky: Yeah right. As if you even know what you're doing down there.
Zack Brown: Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?

View Quote Zack Brown: What's your name?
Lester: Lester... Lester the Molester ****enschtuff.
Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester: I get to pick a porn name?... Then I want to be called... Pete Jones.

View Quote Zack Brown: [suggesting porn titles] ****back Mountain!
Miriam Linky: [makes a face]
Zack Brown: Too soon?

View Quote [repeated line] Let us ****!