The Wizard: Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?
Dorothy: Please sir, we've done what you told us. We brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her.
The Wizard: Oh, you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful.
Dorothy: Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promises, if you please, sir.
The Wizard: Not so fast, NOT SO FAST! I'll have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow.
Dorothy: Tomorrow? Oh, but I want to go home now!
Tin Man: You've had plenty of time to think already!
Cowardly Lion: Yeah!
Dorothy: If you were really Great and Powerful, you'd keep your promises!
The Wizard: [As Toto reveals him behind a curtain] You presume to criticize the Great Oz?! You ungrateful creatures! You're lucky that I'm only holding this till tomorrow, instead of the next TWENTY YEARS from now! [They notice him] Er... the Great Oz has spoken. [Redraws the curtain hastily] PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! THE GREAT, er... OZ... HAS SPOKEN!!
Dorothy: [Pulling aside the curtain] Who are you?
The Wizard: Oh, er, [Into a microphone, which increases his voice dramatically] I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL [In normal voice] ... Wizard... of Oz.
Dorothy: You are?! I don't believe you.
The Wizard: I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard except me.
Scarecrow: You humbug!
Tin Man: Yeah!
The Wizard: Yes. That's exactly so. I'm a humbug.
Dorothy: Oh, you're a very bad man!
The Wizard: Oh, no, my dear, I... I'm a very good man - I'm just a very bad Wizard.
Scarecrow: What about the heart that you promised Tin Man?! And the courage that you promised Cowardly Lion?!
Tin Man and Cowardly Lion: And Scarecrow's brain!
The Wizard: Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity! Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts — and with no more brains than you have. But! They have one thing you haven't got! A diploma! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universita Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.
Scarecrow: "Th.D."?
The Wizard: That's, er, "Doctor of Thinkology".
Scarecrow: [Rapid] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. [Normal, amazed] Oh, joy! Rapture! I've got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough?
The Wizard: Well, you can't! [To the Cowardly Lion] As for you, my fine friend — you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom! Back where I come from though we have men who are called heroes. Once a year, they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But — They have one thing that you haven't got! A medal! Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against Wicked Witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
Cowardly Lion: Oh... Shucks, folks, I'm speechless!
The Wizard: [To the Tin Man] As for you, my galvanized friend - you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
The Tin Man: But I-- I still want one.
The Wizard: Back where I come from, there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phila-, er, er, philanth-er, good-deed doers! And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But! - They have one thing you haven't got. A testimonial! Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
Tin Man: [Listens to his new heart-shaped testimonial] Oh! Oh, it ticks! Listen! Look, it ticks!
Cowardly Lion: Read what my medal says: "Courage"! Ain't it the truth!
Dorothy: Oh, they're all wonderful.
Scarecrow: Hey! What about Dorothy?
Tin Man: Yes, how about Dorothy?
Cowardly Lion: Yeah, Dorothy next!
The Wizard: [Thinking] Yes, Dorothy, er...
Dorothy: I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
The Wizard: Well, you've forced me into a cataclysmic decision. The only way to get Dorothy back to Kansas is for me to take her there myself!
Dorothy: Oh, will you? Could you? Oh — but are you a clever enough Wizard to manage it?
The Wizard: Child, you cut me to the quick. I'm an old Kansas man myself; born and bred in the heart of the Western wilderness. Premiere Balloonist par excellence for the Miracle Wonderland Carnival Company. Until one day, while performing spectacular feats of stratospheric skill never before attempted by civilized man, an unfortunate phenomena occurred. The balloon failed to return to the fair!
Cowardly Lion: It did?
Dorothy: Weren't you frightened?
Wizard: Frightened? You are talking to a man who has laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe - I was petrified. Then suddenly, the wind changed and the balloon floated down into the heart of this noble city, where I was instantly acclaimed Oz, the first Wizard Deluxe! Times being what they were, I accepted the job, retaining my balloon against the advent of a quick getaway. And in that balloon, my dear Dorothy, you and I will return to the land of E Pluribus Unum!
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